"But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." Romans 6:17-18

"For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after the kindness and love of God our Savior toward men appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us...that being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which believe in God might be careful to maintain good works." Titus 3:3-8

People notice us, it can be scary and we don’t have the luxury of being caught unawares in our everyday actions. We are slaves to righteousness, that is part of our Christ-like identity and when we weren’t slaves to God we were slaves to sin. Only by the grace of God through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were we saved. We acknowledge that even if we had coasted through this life living "good" lives (you know, not drinking, being nice, exercising moderation, etc...) but we didn’t acknowledge Jesus we would end up in the same place that the worst drug addict, murderer, or sexually promiscuous person would have and we would deserve it. Satan doesn’t care how much people realize they serve him, but God does. God makes it very clear how His followers are supposed to act and He forgives any sin as long as we repent. God doesn’t weigh actions, He weighs hearts. We have no right to mock anyone, to cast stones at them, because at one point or another we were the person on the ground and Jesus came, helped us up, and told us to "sin no more." The only measure we’re supposed to use evaluate is God’s measure and even then we are merely being mouthpieces for God. People who don’t know any better cast the stones to make themselves feel justified, we realize that nothing we do makes us justified, only Jesus’ blood. God has really shown me that faith and hope for people are not enough, I have to be a reflection of His love. The most intense experiences I’ve had with God are usually a result of me being so broken down that I cry out for nothing but His grace. There is a key difference between conviction and condemnation. We never have the right to condemn anyone because that would be us deciding their fate, deciding there is no hope for them whatsoever. Our job is to be filled with Christ’s love and preach His word and if that means convicting someone than so be it. Love is honest. Conviction should make someone reflect on their lives and lead to the need for repentance. Conviction is not the final verdict, condemnation is and that happens when someone stands before God. I ask myself whether I make people feel convicted or condemned, one shows the emptiness and consequences of a life without Jesus and the other makes me another person in the crowd throwing stones. I have been given a great gift, I am justified, saved, loved in a way that I never thought possible and my job when people approach me is to point right towards the cross and say ‘that is why and He is there for you too.’ I have been exalted, adopted as a child of God because I was humbled. God has lifted me up and I feel this indescribable desire to reach out to the people who don’t know true love, to have Jesus reach out through me so that people can know Him. It all starts with believing and understanding how God sees you, with and without Him, because apart from Him we are nothing. Love is honest and God is honest in His word and people need to know who to love. There is one God, one way to love Him, and one way to serve Him and He doesn’t hide that from anyone. With Him we are given salvation, a heavenly identity, and a divine purpose all because He loves us that much. Everyone is at a different point in their journey with Jesus, there are many paths to Jesus but once you get there you realize He is the only way to heaven.

I'm going to ramble a lot in this post. I feel like the past few weeks have had so many highs and lows and I'm just tired. I don't really know where my direction is right now, job hunting is crappy. I was applying for one job when I overheard three of the bosses bashing Jesus big time. I don't expect everyone to be a Christian, but I am not denying what I live for and going to work in an environment like that. At first I got angry, but I prayed for God to help me respond with love and after calming down there was only one person left who was engaged in the God bashing conversation (who claimed to go to church). I handed her the application and told her to throw it out, she looked puzzled and I said, "I'm a Christian." She mumbled a few apologies and I was filled with a sadness I couldn't explain and I said that the bosses should probably exercise more discretion and I left. Other than that, there have been no jobs available, the one I have is cutting my hours severely because there is really low volume, my bills are rising and I'm wondering where the heck I am supposed to be. I've felt this way for a while and I keep just trying to wait on God, He answers me here and there but I feel like every time I feel aligned with Him I lose Him and have to fight to regain the peace. He gave me a destination that seems so far away and I trust that if He wants me there then we will get there. I'm just trying to really hear Him and I know He is there but I'm just tired. I feel like I'm getting knocked down time and time again and sometimes I think I'd rather just lay there.

I draw a lot of parallels to my Christianity from martial arts. I know full well that martial arts is a limited analogy, as is anything you relate to Christianity, because anything that is not a complete following of Christ falls short. That being said, I remember at one of my promotion tests I was sparring my last round against my teacher. I was exhausted, I was doing all I could just to keep my hands up, I had aced tests before this one because I had a natural affinity for the art. However, now I was reaching a level where I was really being challenged. In the last two minutes of this two hour long test I didn't think I was going to make it. Was my karate teacher sympathetic? No, because he knew what I was capable of and he was going to push me past where I thought my limits were. So he pummeled me around the room and he knocked me to the floor at one point. I looked up at him expecting to be let up, but he wasn't letting me. He looked down at me and said all too seriously, "you have to get out of this." I kicked and fought my way back up, I even stood my ground at one point and delivered some of the hardest punches I ever threw. In all reality, he could have went all out and really not allowed me to get back up and beat me to pulp, but that wasn't the point of the test. Afterwards, I collapsed and a week later (when the swelling went down) when I went back to practice I knew more what I was capable of. Is God a brutal karate teacher who beats you down? DEFINITELY not. Does He allow you to struggle knowing better than you what your limits are and the best way for you to grow? Yes. In a discussion with someone, the point was made to me that the earlier revival of the church was somewhat of a twitch and that when we use our gifts often times it's a twitch or glimpse of the potential that God has bestowed on us. After throwing hundreds of techniques in karate day after day after a while it became a reflex when you went to apply it in sparring. However, as much as you practiced the techniques on a conscious level alone you had to have the experience of sparring, of getting hit (a lot) and then as you continued to practice alone and went back to spar the nervousness slowly went away and you were doing things that you didn't know you could. Obviously, karate depends on only what I can do, which is where it falls short. Christianity depends on God can do in, with, and through you. We have to pray and read our bible, we have to practice with our spiritual weapons on a conscious level hundreds of times day after day. That is when God works on us, that is where we hone our techniques, but we eventually have to get on the mat put up our hands and fight. Not fight in the marial arts sense against people, but against the ideas that are killing us. We can't go on the mat without having prepared and all our preparation is useless if we don't put it to the test. We have to fail, get pummeled, get back up, hit back, have victories but all the while trust that no matter what God is going to use it for our good (another plus to Christianity). Also, that the victory was already won on the cross, as long as we follow Christ we will have high highs and low lows but we will never fail as long as our eyes are laid on Him. I'm tired of practicing, I want to throw down. How about you?

And in other news, a beautiful girl (for reasons unbeknownst to me) decided she likes my exclusive company and so we're dating...

Self analysis can be a dangerous thing for a Christian. God shows us a gift He has given us or a goal He has for us and suddenly it becomes our focal point. Suddenly we think there is something we have to do to cultivate the gift or achieve the goal. How did we get the gift or the vision? By looking at nothing but the cross. How did we get to a place where God communicated something so clearly? By looking at nothing but the cross. Be mindful of the gifts and the visions and take joy (not pride) in them, but always recognize that it will be God who gets it done. Always remember that by what Jesus did on the cross that we were saved and never cease to appreciate it. Forget yesterday's successes and failures, take joy in the fact that God is going to use them because He is sovereign. The minute we start to look too inward in our role to play or how we will use our talents we turn our attention from Jesus. By recognizing that all these things are gifts keeps our attention on the giver. God gave us the gifts, the callings, the dreams and He will be true to guide us every step of the way and it will be all the easier as long as our focus is Him.

I. Hate. Fedex.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2


No matter how complicated the problem seems, the answer is always simple. God is indeed "not the author of confusion, but of peace" (2 Corrinthians 14:35). I had been forewarned when I first came to Christ that there would be a season in my walk in which I wouldn't feel as though I was bearing any fruit. A time when I wouldn't feel God's presence as keenly and that it wasn't a reflection of me as a Christian, that it was actually a good thing. "The sacrifice of God is a broken heart, and a broken spirit" (Psalm 51:17). I've given God many "offerings" such as old passions, issues from my past, and other worldly things and it was all necessary. However, I still felt like there was something that He was taking from me. I woke up without my joy and I immediately thought there was something I was doing wrong. I would find solace here and there in His word and prayer but I couldn't shake this feeling. I realized that God wants us broken so that His strength will be all that we would lean on, for His power "is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corrinthians 12:9). I cried out that if I had to feel this way for every day of the rest of my life then so be it. If that is what it takes to be His instrument then so be it. He has saved me from an empty life that would have ended up in inevitable destruction and I never want to turn from Him again. I love Him that much, and He loves me to an infinitely higher degree. As I prayed to Him (before I put it all together) alone in my room I kept asking Him why I had to feel this way. I prayed every prayer I could think of, I did everything, so I had thought. Later, at prayer that night, because He is faithful, He answered me through Ben (if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing that scripture, brother) who read the passage quoted at the top. I felt the words speak to my heart like only the words of my heavenly Father can. I dropped to my knees and did the only thing I had not done in my room: I thanked Him. He shows me more and more each day that this is about Him and not me and that is where the glory is. I want to go on about all the messages He has put on my heart that culminated last night but I can only say that my praises cannot encompass His greatness. To try and describe His holiness is far, far beyond the limits of my expression. That doesn't I mean I won't give it my best shot, I plan to on Tuesday. Praise Jesus.

I don't know, I don't want to care, I'm trying very hard just to believe...but I really just don't know anything.

"I am the way, the truth and the life, no one gets to the Father but through me...he who hates Me hates my Father also." John14:5-7, 15:23

Sometimes Christians tell people that are other ways to heaven, that there might be other avenues to God only to profess to our believing friends that we believe firmly in Christ’s ultimate sacrifice. C.S. Lewis wrote that Jesus didn’t give us the option to look at Him as merely a good man or a good teacher. He was either the Son of God, a liar, or a lunatic. He didn’t leave us many options; we either deny Him or accept Him. To try and be accepting and think or say that Christ might not be the only way is to believe in some part of your heart that His sacrifice was not everything the bible professes it to be. It is to ascribe to the idea that He was not God’s completion of Himself. We who are Christians have handed our lives to Christ, we seek to submit continually and let Him work in us. In doing so, we believe that He made the perfect sacrifice, that he was the "perfect penitent" for our sins, that we need Him and can do nothing apart from Him. To believe that He is not the way is to degrade your choice to give your life to Him and it downplays what He did for us. I think we can all say that our choice to sign over our lives was the most important one we have ever made. If it was merely a good option among other good options then why give Him everything? Stand strong, not in judgment, but in faith, obedience, and gratitude for what He did and stand strong in your choice to allow Him to live in you. You don’t have to condemn anyone by knowing that Christ is the only way, you’re being faithful to Him. If others take what you believe as a harsh judgment then that is there own reaction to God convicting them. Don’t force the issue, just believe. Don’t be scared, just believe. Don’t judge, just believe. Jesus came "not to condemn the world, but to save it" (John 3:17), but He never denied that He was the messiah and so we must not deny Him, because to deny Him in any way is to deny the Father.

Nothing important, just felt like posting. It's amazing how a talk with my oldest sister (who knows almost everything) can help me put things in perspective. I was having one of those "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?" days and Laura basically said "Bry, you pray, listen and then walk and trust that God will guide you," and yeah I know that but she is a person who really lives that. She has been through so much and you can sense the solid faith in her. Sometimes you just need to hear the message from the right person, y'know? She doesn't complicate life in her head, she simply walks in faith because she has seen how complicated life can be. No sense in complicating life more than you need to, life will be hard enough on you, and I have God so I know I'll be good no matter what. S'all good, I still die for the hood.

This has been a heavy day...I talked with my parents for a while and it was encouraging and hurtful. My father and I cried for joy that God mended our relationship and my mother cried as she confessed how much trouble she was having with my decision to leave the Catholic church. I told her I hated all the divisions in our family and between the denominations. I don't know, I ask God to break my perceptions and replace them with His truth. I no longer want to filter in the truth with my views, I want to filter everything I see through God's word. My mother wasn't hurtful in the way she told me, she said she knew why I did what I did and that it wasn't an insult to her but she couldn't help but feel confused. I thank God for granting her a measure of understanding, I thank God that she came to me honestly instead of holding onto all of this and distancing herself from me. I wanted to wait for all of this until when I went home, but He had different plans and it worked out really well. I'm in such a wierd place right now. I'm at peace yet I'm torn and I just don't know...all I know is that He works and that is really all I have to know. All glory to Jesus.

For Ryan and Paul

I'm listening to "Getaway Car" by Audioslave, it's been stuck in my head since work for some reason. I went to the mall yesterday with Paul and Ryan and I realized that I'm a lucky man. When I was born, I'm pretty sure God said, "I am going to bless Bryan with some really good people throughout his life." I've met my share of people who have done me wrong but it hasn't daunted my love of people. I don't walk around thinking "I love him and her," but I really do love all the people in my life. I realize that no one will understand every decision you make. When I told Paul and Ryan how I was deciding to change my life they didn't hesitate to react in an accepting and loving manner. These are two examples of the friends that the bible tells me about, they love me and accept me. I've experienced some unintentional contempt from some people I love (I don't hold it against them) because they don't understand but I can honestly say that Ryan and Paul have been all support. I thought about that a lot yesterday as we walked around the mall, engaging each other in our usual, nonsensical humor. Both of them can go from silly to serious in the blink of an eye when I need their ears. I just wanted to express my gratitude to you guys.

"And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not...for I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, He gave me a commandment, what I should say..."
John 12:46-50

I realized today that I don't have to argue for God. I always knew it logically but today I really saw the truth of it with my heart. I was talking to someone and they asked me what I believed and I told them, not my words but in the words of scripture, in the words that my Father provided for me. I knew they didn't agree with everything and that didn't bother me in the least. I told them not to take my word for it, take God's word. I am here to relay His message, it doesn't matter how good I am at arguing a point because some won't see it no matter how many ways I put it. I told them to take it up with God because I know He will answer. If you seek God for what He is and not what you want Him to be He will show Himself to you. Do I know how? Nope. It's different for everyone and that is the beauty of it, friends. I don't judge those who don't believe what I believe, I am here to relay God's message in the situations and times that He appoints and then it's between them and God. I won't force anything on anyone because I don't have to and that isn't what God wants (I don't want that either). Seek God and you'll find God, it's really that simple. I sought after Him without anyone standing over me with a bible, I opened the bible and I began to read and I saw things differently before I ever decided to step into a church. I asked questions of some, others shared God's message and I shrugged it off all the while thinking "they didn't prove me wrong." Then one night when someone didn't even intend to preach to me directly, the message that they delivered cut through my logical arguments right to my heart. I knew it was God's truth because no matter how I tried to think about it it didn't change the way I felt. The people didn't prove that I was living wrong, and they weren't trying to, God did. "Those that seek me early shall find me" - Proverbs 8:17

It's about 6:30 AM and I'm listening to "Ahead by a Century," by The Tragically Hip - I love this song. I accidentally set my alarm wrong and overslept for work, so I called in and I knew my boss wouldn't really accept my excuse so I told him I had had car trouble (I know, I shouldn't have lied). Either way I couldn't really sleep and I felt the urge to pray and read a little so I did. I also did some research on missionaries, which was pretty cool. I think I'll ask for more info about it b/c I think it would be a good experience for me. I'm not sure what else I really want to write here *five minute pause* I feel encouraged, motivated, something is going to happen, God is going to do something that is going to be great and I don't know what it is but I just know He is. Forgive the rambling, maybe I'm just a man whose been up since 5 AM, or maybe...

On another much more positive note, this weekend was phenominal. I came terms with issues from my past that I never thought I would have and I can barely describe how great it felt. By the end I was sobbing with joy and I felt, well, free. So, the Spiritual Freedom Seminar was aptly named. To spend time with everyone and see some of them be freed was an awesome experience. God has bridged the gaps to relationships with people I was distant from before I knew Him. He continues to amaze me and exceede my expectations. Overall, right now I feel better than I ever have and that's about all I really can say about that.

Holy crap! TWO posts in ONE night!!...




...maybe you're not excited, but I am.

Letting people down. It's something I have a hard time doing. There are certain people in my life that I hate disappointing and that isn't necessarily bad thing, but sometimes I know I should say or do something and I don't because I don't want to rock the boat and risk their displeasure. God has put it on my heart that I have to talk to my mom about how I got baptized (I conveniently left that out when I talked to her last time I was home). I don't want to hide that from anyone because I am proud of who I am in Christ and I know I have to tell my mother and I know she is going to take it as a personal affront to her. There are certain view points that have changed since I have come to God and it's not because someone came up to me and said "this is how you should feel about this because we all do." When I gave my life to Christ, I felt things changing in me and God has given me a sense of what He agrees with and what He doesn't. I refrain from talking about certain things because I know some people won't like the opinions I now have. I don't think negatively of anyone but I do think differently about things. I still don't believe in forcing my opinion on anyone but I do feel like there are times when things are brought up in conversation or I'm asked about things and I don't say what I really now feel. It doesn't happen that often, I am upfront about who I am, but when it does happen it bothers me. I'm not going to force anything, just let God continue to work on me and see where it goes from there. It's a flaw, a weakness and I acknowledge that I need God to work on changing it.

So, I thought God was telling me to do something and I was either wrong, I missed my shot, or God's working in His time and I have to be patient. Either way, He's faithful and I suppose He'll show me in the long run. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I don't feel discouraged, I feel like I just have to hang on and keep praying and that is the best I can do.
It still amazes me how much He has changed me inside. So many old ways of thinking and bad habits have been so easily overcome and I can't take any credit. I remember thinking before I came a Christian "there's no way I could do all of this," and I was right, I couldn't (not alone, anyway). I have tasted the grace of God and it has given me the power to overcome things I used to think and do that I thought I never would and I don't miss them at all. I constantly look back at the one night I really broke down and God put the choice in front of me, either Him or the world. I chose Him some of the changes were literally instantaneous. This is not to say that I don't still struggle with certain things and I know I will for my whole life but I know as long as I keep leaning on Him no matter big the problems seem they'll eventually fall, it's just that simple.

It’s amazing to me how my priorities have shifted. "When I became a man, I put away childish things" Corinthians 13:11. When I decided to become a man in Christ, no longer a half hearted child who followed the way when it benefitted him, but a man who would devote himself to Christ, I asked God to show me what was standing between Him and I. I don’t desire to do the things I used to and I’m comfortable with that. My drive for things like fitness and martial arts has shifted to a drive for spiritual strength. Working out and martial arts are healthy habits and this isn’t to say that I’ll never go back to them on a much more limited basis, but they were the center of my life. My motto was ‘live for yourself’ and I did just that, I never compromised the time I spent trying to perfect my technique, my power, my speed, now all that time seems like a waste. I dedicated the time that I did and I achieved the rank I did and it will be an experience I will never forget but now it’s time to focus on what matters; God. I realized that these things could no longer be the center of my life, God wants all of me, so I gave up those things and He might give them back one day or He might not. Either way, it’s His Will that matters, not mine if He decides that where He wants me requires those skills than so be it but if not, that’s fine too. I want to be the most for God I can be, as close to Him as possible, I want for my only desire to be to do His Will. The things of this world, even this body, are far less important than what lies beneath. The spirit is what lives on, it’s the part of us that was built for eternity and it’s what allows us to be connected to God.. I began earnestly seeking Him a while ago and I felt a strange pull that I ignored. Finally I realized to get closer to God was up to me, I was putting things in between Him and I and then expecting Him to show Himself to me and just fit in somewhere in the grand plan of my life. I learned that He was and is there and I was impeding our relationship, not Him. I would have thought that giving up all these things would leave me feeling empty, but I’ve never felt more full, the things that I dedicated my time to were controlling and now I feel unburdened, I wasn’t fulfilled with my passions and I didn’t want to admit that to anyone. I covered up insecurities and emptiness in my life with these things, now I have gotten rid of them and God has unburdened the issues that were at the heart of it all. Jesus said, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest onto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matthew 11:29-30. I used to focused on what I might lose in yielding to God, I used to pray to God as though I had no responsibility to Him, that He should reveal Himself to me on my terms. Now I see what I have gained and I’m happy to say my life is on His terms.

I'm not really sure where to begin...so much has happened since I last posted and those that know me know pretty much all that has occurred. I've lost and I've gained at the same time, which makes for an emotional roller coaster. I felt a calling, a drawing that I'd never felt and I knew it was God calling me, calling me to acknowledge Him, submit myself to Him. I felt it for some time, I tried responding to Him on my terms and that only made me feel like a divided person, I would go to church and praise Him and adopt things to my life that were convenient for me. God was telling me that I had to either accept Him or not, I couldn't hit the snooze button anymore, He was waking me up. I told someone about six months ago that one day God would make me choose and I laughed in spite of myself. Finally, I broke down and asked Him what He wanted me to do, how He wanted me to live my life, what kind of man He was calling me to be. His answers were soothing and harsh, and He's not done with the answers, but He's giving me only what I can handle right now. I lost the most important person in my life and it's hurting me more than I ever imagined. Trying to be completely objective, I don't know if she would have been happy with the person I'm becoming. I'm still Bryan; I'm still introspective, fun, determined, a person who would die for the people he knows, but now I'm living my life first and foremost for God's purpose and deciding the direction of my life on God. I see myself going in different directions than I did not see one month ago. I can't compromise any part of what I do for God, I can compromise anything else, how much time I spend doing my hobbies and all that. I used to prioritize my passions first, and while they're still important, they've taken a backseat. I can no longer try to accept this way of life on my terms because that's not what it's about. The choice I made was mine, and I am happier with it than any other choice I've ever made but I've never been more sad about the loss I suffered as a result. I don't know where that leaves me, I try to get up and push aside the sadness and be faithful that God will help me in time to understand everything and heal these wounds.

I love this song, Screen, props to Ryan for introducing it to me. I work at Fedex. I hate it. But I know it's gotta suck (might even get suckier) before it can get better. I had been praying a lot lately as to what I'm supposed to be doing and I realized I got my answer; gotta hang in there and keep trying. Being as impatient as I can be, I had hoped there was more to it right now but there isn't. I went to the coffee shop on Water street the other day for some peace and quiet so I could write and practice my Japanese. They had this crappy, heavy metal bands-who-couldn't-suck-more fest at Old City. So the music was blaring as these people screamed into the microphone. I laughed to myself, I came for solace and I got heavy metal. Bad, very bad, heavy metal at that. I stayed up at Oswego mainly for karate school and I got Fedex. It could be worse, though, they could have been playing country music at Old City that day and I could be unemployed. Bearing that in mind, I tuned out the music, sipped my hot chocolate and wrote for hours. After a while, I didn't even realize the music had stopped, goes to show what happens when I stop dwelling on the negative and use the resources that God is giving me.

"which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" - Jesus' sermon on the mount, Matthew 6: somewhere towards the end.

this weekend was good, so good that I have decided to write more than one sentence.  our axis of awesomeness (located conveniently on 155 East 7th) was at full power with the three overlords present.  some highlights; ryan and I ran through some sprinklers in a park nearby (at around 10PM), then came back and got a basketball, went back to the park, played basketball and ran back through the sprinklers.  paul arrived on friday and ryan and I greeted him with embraces and other homoerotic gestures, made paul happy, it made me and ryan happy, too.  I found a digital camera this morning.  my wonderful sister sent me a link to a movie that is playing in only three theaters in NYC, it's called zatoichi and it looks awesome.  why?  b/c it's about a friggin' samurai!

in response to djere's comment, I charge a standard fee of 25 cents to stompkick arrogant people, the more arrogant they are the more I knock off the price b/c I enjoy it more.

I read this earlier today and it sums a lot for me:
"Nor is He worshipped with men's hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life , breath, and all things.
And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings,
so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and have our being."
Acts 17:24-28

Arrogant people disgust me.  I just want to stomp-kick them in the knee caps.

This is my post after over a month. Nothing clever, or creative, just an update that I am alive, confused, shaken, but okay. I can't write about the issues at the forefront of my head but I guess the fact that I even mentioned them is a foreshadowing that they can only remain hidden for so long.

I haven't written in a while, mainly because I've been running around trying to see everyone before I leave for my new temporary home in Oswego. Aside from visiting people, doing volunteer and paid labor, I've been training a lot and reading a few new books on martial arts. I'm so humbled by some people's detertiminaton. Ever since I got by black belt I felt like I've started over. The pressure of having to work towards that one decisive day is off my shoulders and my training has become more liberated. I find as a result of this, I'm pushing myself harder, I want to set an example for those who also want to pursue karate and the promotion to shodan has simply motivated to go beyond what I was striving for. Passing the test didn't give me the confidence to look at others and think 'I can kick his ass, and his ass...' it gave me the fuel to keep going further in my training. I want to learn more, I still feel like a child in so many ways to the world of martial arts and that comforts me. There are so many people to learn from (martial artist or not) and I want to keep learning. I parallel a lot of things in my life to karate. Karate isn't my religion, it's just my way. My way of conducting myself, my way of believing in myself, my way of trying to stay open to others, my way of treating others with courtesy and respect.

I've also found that I've returned to a lot of my spiritual roots since I've been home. I visited my old church and sat in my favorite room; the shrine. It's a small circular room with one bench in the center and red candles everywhere, there is a statue of Saint Jude (after whom the church is named). I had forgotten how much I need to go there and just sit in silence. It's in silent moments that I feel in touch with God that I take time to open my mind and heart and really listen. I'm not trying to preach to anyone, I'm just writing about what brings me peace. I think I will start doing things like this more often. The monotony of life can drive a person mad if you don't take time to cleanse the soul (however you choose to do it).

I love thunderstorms and one just started here, I think I'm gonna go sit and watch the rain.

Commencement


I'm graduating tomorrow and I have learned many things in my time here. I'm a lot different than I thought I was because I am, to a large degree, who I've always been.

Sho-dan. I attained that rank on Wed. after a 4 1/2 hour test. I've never felt so tired and beat up as I did after I did that. I walked away with several bruises, a sprained wrist, and a limp - not too bad. I feel like this achievement was hardly an individual one because I spent time praying before (cheesy? maybe), I read bible passages that my father told me to read when I was nervous, I had the support of many wonderful people. All in all, this test showed me how blessed I am as far as my girl friend and family. Of course when I say family I mean blood-related and otherwise. People helped me to train when I wouldn't have, my sensei's motivation and help in and out of the dojo has helped me in more ways than I can say, and the people who came and watched me and cheered me on and told me I could do it. Is this victory mine? Partially. God has blessed me with the opportunity to train with a great instructor, great people, and blessed me with a great group of friends. What was going to stop me with that kind of backing? All I kept thinking when I sat in front of the black belts after the test was how lucky I was (and how exhausted I was). Thank you all for the pep talks, the jokes, the silent support I felt whenever I looked in your direction, the love, thank You God for everything that I have (all of which I'm not sure how I earned). I love you all and thank you. I apologize if this sounded like a Grammy award acceptance speech, but I needed to convey how grateful I am and always wil be.

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I would now. I actually did make a really long post a few weeks back. I put so much thought into it, I sited articles as if it were a paper, I talked about religion and social movements and then my computer froze and it was all for naught. But that's life and I suppose it wasn't a complete waste of time, I still remember everything I typed so maybe I'll do it again on some rainy day. Basically, this post was to praise the post that never got to be. I might not do it again, because now you obviously expect a lot and the post wouldn't live up to your standards. Screw you for judging him, I'm not going to create him now, better for him to live happy and free of the standards you set for him. Better for him to remain not created then to stumble through this cruel world like an untied shoe.


I. am. odd.

I haven't updated in a while, I don't plan on saying much right now because I don't want to discuss the particular issues that are at the forefront of my mind here. Anywho, this year is winding down quite fast and that doesn't scare me too much anymore. Ah fuck it, this is all I have to say right now.

Today has been somewhat lousy and I'm in a lousy mood. I had a tournament today and at first I was pretty apathetic to the whole thing but now it's making me a little angry. I feel like in so many things I do, I give up before it starts. I wasn't really dissatisfied with my performance, maybe I'm just grumpy because I didn't get much sleep last night. There seemed to be a lousy mood pervading our crew at the tournament but we all covered it up with smiles and our enthusiastic greeting, 'osu.' I don't care for these tournaments, I don't care for the all the politics behind them. People favoring students from their own school, teachers with old grudges using their students to settle the score and show whose the best. Chojun Miyagi would be sorely disappointed at this defamation of such a great art. An art built on ethics of courtesy and respect. But all of this gets lost in this foolish competition. Karate isn't just about skills, it's about character. I went up to everyone who I competed against whether or not I thought I agreed with the judges decision and congratulated them on their technique. I bowed to the sensei who doesn't like me simply because of who I train under. If he won't show respect, then I will because that is who I am and I won't degrade my character because someone else degrades theirs. One of the main reasons why I train is because I meet some of the most open minded people and I get to share and learn from them. I will spar anyone, regardless of style, in my dojo until we both drop. Why? Not to try and prove that I'm better but to learn from them and hope that they can learn from me. I placed second in kata, everyone I spoke to says that the main judge favored his son and screwed me over because I trained under the person that I do. Everyone saw it, and a few people asked me why I wasn't angry. Because I don't do kata for the judges, I do it for myself. I honestly don't think I would have cared if I actually got first. I don't know where else to go with this, I just know it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It's also motivation for me to strive to be a karateka not just of skill, but of character.

Ryan and I were discussing how the modern day zombie is significantly more athletic than the zombies of old. The zombies in Dawn of the Dead look like olympic runners. I thought to myself, maybe I'd like to be a zombie so I could win the olympics. But, I'd probably end up trying to eat one of my opponents' brains. Zombies are such wasted athletic talent.

Well, I've been home for three days now and it's been okay. Going away has helped me appreciate home (although I do prefer to be away), every time I come back I make connections to how I am when I'm away from home and how my home has influenced that. I've made peace with a lot of the problems of my past, I can honestly look at me and my father's differences and not feel frustrated. I realize that holding onto that bitterness does nothing but burden me, blind me. I used to hold onto all that anger because I thought I was gaurding myself. This isn't to say my feelings of anger weren't justified, after all, he and I still don't see eye to eye on some things. But as time passes and I come to understand him and myself more and I even try to humble myself and to learn something from his perspective. I believe you can learn something from anyone, you just have to take what people say with that grain of salt. Some you take with more salt than others but you get the point. Instead of looking at how my father and I can't get along, I look at how we do bond and the similarities we share (note: for those of you who don't know, I used to NEVER admit that my father and I had anything whatsoever in common). I know I get my love of physical labor from my father, I can see the solace he gets in working with his hands and the gratification after he makes something new. From him I learned to take pride in what I can do without boasting it. A quiet confidence is something that my mother and father both taught me in their own ways. Confidence, to me, is asserting yourself through your actions, not just saying "I'm good at this," when you do something well it will show, and if no one else sees it then you have to. When I think of my mother, I think of spirituality and that I would have none if it weren't for her. My faith has gotten me through the worst of times, not just faith in God, but faith in what God has provided me with - people. All that being said, I smell bad and I have to shower.

"Many people seem simply not to understand love, [they] burden its beateous simplicity with preconceived notions and unrealistic expectations." - RA Salvatore

I once wrote that there was nothing that felt better, worse, or more ambiguous than change. I also came up with an analogy to describe my view of the heart (in the symbolic sense) and the mind and their connection. The mind is a carriage driver and the heart is like an untamed horse. The two struggle to direct the carriage that is your spirit; the driver sees the logical destinations and plans for its stops along the way, and the horse just has a different plan altogether sometimes. It pulls the driver in directions that terrifies it at times and thrills it at others. Sometimes logic must win out because with no driver the horse would be too reckless, but with no horse the carriage would never get anywhere. At this stage of the journey, my driver sees only a vague picture of its path and is sharing the reigns with a much needed guide. For better or for worse, or maybe both.