I'm not really sure where to begin...so much has happened since I last posted and those that know me know pretty much all that has occurred. I've lost and I've gained at the same time, which makes for an emotional roller coaster. I felt a calling, a drawing that I'd never felt and I knew it was God calling me, calling me to acknowledge Him, submit myself to Him. I felt it for some time, I tried responding to Him on my terms and that only made me feel like a divided person, I would go to church and praise Him and adopt things to my life that were convenient for me. God was telling me that I had to either accept Him or not, I couldn't hit the snooze button anymore, He was waking me up. I told someone about six months ago that one day God would make me choose and I laughed in spite of myself. Finally, I broke down and asked Him what He wanted me to do, how He wanted me to live my life, what kind of man He was calling me to be. His answers were soothing and harsh, and He's not done with the answers, but He's giving me only what I can handle right now. I lost the most important person in my life and it's hurting me more than I ever imagined. Trying to be completely objective, I don't know if she would have been happy with the person I'm becoming. I'm still Bryan; I'm still introspective, fun, determined, a person who would die for the people he knows, but now I'm living my life first and foremost for God's purpose and deciding the direction of my life on God. I see myself going in different directions than I did not see one month ago. I can't compromise any part of what I do for God, I can compromise anything else, how much time I spend doing my hobbies and all that. I used to prioritize my passions first, and while they're still important, they've taken a backseat. I can no longer try to accept this way of life on my terms because that's not what it's about. The choice I made was mine, and I am happier with it than any other choice I've ever made but I've never been more sad about the loss I suffered as a result. I don't know where that leaves me, I try to get up and push aside the sadness and be faithful that God will help me in time to understand everything and heal these wounds.