On another much more positive note, this weekend was phenominal. I came terms with issues from my past that I never thought I would have and I can barely describe how great it felt. By the end I was sobbing with joy and I felt, well, free. So, the Spiritual Freedom Seminar was aptly named. To spend time with everyone and see some of them be freed was an awesome experience. God has bridged the gaps to relationships with people I was distant from before I knew Him. He continues to amaze me and exceede my expectations. Overall, right now I feel better than I ever have and that's about all I really can say about that.

Holy crap! TWO posts in ONE night!!...




...maybe you're not excited, but I am.

Letting people down. It's something I have a hard time doing. There are certain people in my life that I hate disappointing and that isn't necessarily bad thing, but sometimes I know I should say or do something and I don't because I don't want to rock the boat and risk their displeasure. God has put it on my heart that I have to talk to my mom about how I got baptized (I conveniently left that out when I talked to her last time I was home). I don't want to hide that from anyone because I am proud of who I am in Christ and I know I have to tell my mother and I know she is going to take it as a personal affront to her. There are certain view points that have changed since I have come to God and it's not because someone came up to me and said "this is how you should feel about this because we all do." When I gave my life to Christ, I felt things changing in me and God has given me a sense of what He agrees with and what He doesn't. I refrain from talking about certain things because I know some people won't like the opinions I now have. I don't think negatively of anyone but I do think differently about things. I still don't believe in forcing my opinion on anyone but I do feel like there are times when things are brought up in conversation or I'm asked about things and I don't say what I really now feel. It doesn't happen that often, I am upfront about who I am, but when it does happen it bothers me. I'm not going to force anything, just let God continue to work on me and see where it goes from there. It's a flaw, a weakness and I acknowledge that I need God to work on changing it.

So, I thought God was telling me to do something and I was either wrong, I missed my shot, or God's working in His time and I have to be patient. Either way, He's faithful and I suppose He'll show me in the long run. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I don't feel discouraged, I feel like I just have to hang on and keep praying and that is the best I can do.
It still amazes me how much He has changed me inside. So many old ways of thinking and bad habits have been so easily overcome and I can't take any credit. I remember thinking before I came a Christian "there's no way I could do all of this," and I was right, I couldn't (not alone, anyway). I have tasted the grace of God and it has given me the power to overcome things I used to think and do that I thought I never would and I don't miss them at all. I constantly look back at the one night I really broke down and God put the choice in front of me, either Him or the world. I chose Him some of the changes were literally instantaneous. This is not to say that I don't still struggle with certain things and I know I will for my whole life but I know as long as I keep leaning on Him no matter big the problems seem they'll eventually fall, it's just that simple.

It’s amazing to me how my priorities have shifted. "When I became a man, I put away childish things" Corinthians 13:11. When I decided to become a man in Christ, no longer a half hearted child who followed the way when it benefitted him, but a man who would devote himself to Christ, I asked God to show me what was standing between Him and I. I don’t desire to do the things I used to and I’m comfortable with that. My drive for things like fitness and martial arts has shifted to a drive for spiritual strength. Working out and martial arts are healthy habits and this isn’t to say that I’ll never go back to them on a much more limited basis, but they were the center of my life. My motto was ‘live for yourself’ and I did just that, I never compromised the time I spent trying to perfect my technique, my power, my speed, now all that time seems like a waste. I dedicated the time that I did and I achieved the rank I did and it will be an experience I will never forget but now it’s time to focus on what matters; God. I realized that these things could no longer be the center of my life, God wants all of me, so I gave up those things and He might give them back one day or He might not. Either way, it’s His Will that matters, not mine if He decides that where He wants me requires those skills than so be it but if not, that’s fine too. I want to be the most for God I can be, as close to Him as possible, I want for my only desire to be to do His Will. The things of this world, even this body, are far less important than what lies beneath. The spirit is what lives on, it’s the part of us that was built for eternity and it’s what allows us to be connected to God.. I began earnestly seeking Him a while ago and I felt a strange pull that I ignored. Finally I realized to get closer to God was up to me, I was putting things in between Him and I and then expecting Him to show Himself to me and just fit in somewhere in the grand plan of my life. I learned that He was and is there and I was impeding our relationship, not Him. I would have thought that giving up all these things would leave me feeling empty, but I’ve never felt more full, the things that I dedicated my time to were controlling and now I feel unburdened, I wasn’t fulfilled with my passions and I didn’t want to admit that to anyone. I covered up insecurities and emptiness in my life with these things, now I have gotten rid of them and God has unburdened the issues that were at the heart of it all. Jesus said, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest onto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matthew 11:29-30. I used to focused on what I might lose in yielding to God, I used to pray to God as though I had no responsibility to Him, that He should reveal Himself to me on my terms. Now I see what I have gained and I’m happy to say my life is on His terms.