"But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." Romans 6:17-18

"For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after the kindness and love of God our Savior toward men appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us...that being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which believe in God might be careful to maintain good works." Titus 3:3-8

People notice us, it can be scary and we don’t have the luxury of being caught unawares in our everyday actions. We are slaves to righteousness, that is part of our Christ-like identity and when we weren’t slaves to God we were slaves to sin. Only by the grace of God through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were we saved. We acknowledge that even if we had coasted through this life living "good" lives (you know, not drinking, being nice, exercising moderation, etc...) but we didn’t acknowledge Jesus we would end up in the same place that the worst drug addict, murderer, or sexually promiscuous person would have and we would deserve it. Satan doesn’t care how much people realize they serve him, but God does. God makes it very clear how His followers are supposed to act and He forgives any sin as long as we repent. God doesn’t weigh actions, He weighs hearts. We have no right to mock anyone, to cast stones at them, because at one point or another we were the person on the ground and Jesus came, helped us up, and told us to "sin no more." The only measure we’re supposed to use evaluate is God’s measure and even then we are merely being mouthpieces for God. People who don’t know any better cast the stones to make themselves feel justified, we realize that nothing we do makes us justified, only Jesus’ blood. God has really shown me that faith and hope for people are not enough, I have to be a reflection of His love. The most intense experiences I’ve had with God are usually a result of me being so broken down that I cry out for nothing but His grace. There is a key difference between conviction and condemnation. We never have the right to condemn anyone because that would be us deciding their fate, deciding there is no hope for them whatsoever. Our job is to be filled with Christ’s love and preach His word and if that means convicting someone than so be it. Love is honest. Conviction should make someone reflect on their lives and lead to the need for repentance. Conviction is not the final verdict, condemnation is and that happens when someone stands before God. I ask myself whether I make people feel convicted or condemned, one shows the emptiness and consequences of a life without Jesus and the other makes me another person in the crowd throwing stones. I have been given a great gift, I am justified, saved, loved in a way that I never thought possible and my job when people approach me is to point right towards the cross and say ‘that is why and He is there for you too.’ I have been exalted, adopted as a child of God because I was humbled. God has lifted me up and I feel this indescribable desire to reach out to the people who don’t know true love, to have Jesus reach out through me so that people can know Him. It all starts with believing and understanding how God sees you, with and without Him, because apart from Him we are nothing. Love is honest and God is honest in His word and people need to know who to love. There is one God, one way to love Him, and one way to serve Him and He doesn’t hide that from anyone. With Him we are given salvation, a heavenly identity, and a divine purpose all because He loves us that much. Everyone is at a different point in their journey with Jesus, there are many paths to Jesus but once you get there you realize He is the only way to heaven.

I'm going to ramble a lot in this post. I feel like the past few weeks have had so many highs and lows and I'm just tired. I don't really know where my direction is right now, job hunting is crappy. I was applying for one job when I overheard three of the bosses bashing Jesus big time. I don't expect everyone to be a Christian, but I am not denying what I live for and going to work in an environment like that. At first I got angry, but I prayed for God to help me respond with love and after calming down there was only one person left who was engaged in the God bashing conversation (who claimed to go to church). I handed her the application and told her to throw it out, she looked puzzled and I said, "I'm a Christian." She mumbled a few apologies and I was filled with a sadness I couldn't explain and I said that the bosses should probably exercise more discretion and I left. Other than that, there have been no jobs available, the one I have is cutting my hours severely because there is really low volume, my bills are rising and I'm wondering where the heck I am supposed to be. I've felt this way for a while and I keep just trying to wait on God, He answers me here and there but I feel like every time I feel aligned with Him I lose Him and have to fight to regain the peace. He gave me a destination that seems so far away and I trust that if He wants me there then we will get there. I'm just trying to really hear Him and I know He is there but I'm just tired. I feel like I'm getting knocked down time and time again and sometimes I think I'd rather just lay there.

I draw a lot of parallels to my Christianity from martial arts. I know full well that martial arts is a limited analogy, as is anything you relate to Christianity, because anything that is not a complete following of Christ falls short. That being said, I remember at one of my promotion tests I was sparring my last round against my teacher. I was exhausted, I was doing all I could just to keep my hands up, I had aced tests before this one because I had a natural affinity for the art. However, now I was reaching a level where I was really being challenged. In the last two minutes of this two hour long test I didn't think I was going to make it. Was my karate teacher sympathetic? No, because he knew what I was capable of and he was going to push me past where I thought my limits were. So he pummeled me around the room and he knocked me to the floor at one point. I looked up at him expecting to be let up, but he wasn't letting me. He looked down at me and said all too seriously, "you have to get out of this." I kicked and fought my way back up, I even stood my ground at one point and delivered some of the hardest punches I ever threw. In all reality, he could have went all out and really not allowed me to get back up and beat me to pulp, but that wasn't the point of the test. Afterwards, I collapsed and a week later (when the swelling went down) when I went back to practice I knew more what I was capable of. Is God a brutal karate teacher who beats you down? DEFINITELY not. Does He allow you to struggle knowing better than you what your limits are and the best way for you to grow? Yes. In a discussion with someone, the point was made to me that the earlier revival of the church was somewhat of a twitch and that when we use our gifts often times it's a twitch or glimpse of the potential that God has bestowed on us. After throwing hundreds of techniques in karate day after day after a while it became a reflex when you went to apply it in sparring. However, as much as you practiced the techniques on a conscious level alone you had to have the experience of sparring, of getting hit (a lot) and then as you continued to practice alone and went back to spar the nervousness slowly went away and you were doing things that you didn't know you could. Obviously, karate depends on only what I can do, which is where it falls short. Christianity depends on God can do in, with, and through you. We have to pray and read our bible, we have to practice with our spiritual weapons on a conscious level hundreds of times day after day. That is when God works on us, that is where we hone our techniques, but we eventually have to get on the mat put up our hands and fight. Not fight in the marial arts sense against people, but against the ideas that are killing us. We can't go on the mat without having prepared and all our preparation is useless if we don't put it to the test. We have to fail, get pummeled, get back up, hit back, have victories but all the while trust that no matter what God is going to use it for our good (another plus to Christianity). Also, that the victory was already won on the cross, as long as we follow Christ we will have high highs and low lows but we will never fail as long as our eyes are laid on Him. I'm tired of practicing, I want to throw down. How about you?

And in other news, a beautiful girl (for reasons unbeknownst to me) decided she likes my exclusive company and so we're dating...

Self analysis can be a dangerous thing for a Christian. God shows us a gift He has given us or a goal He has for us and suddenly it becomes our focal point. Suddenly we think there is something we have to do to cultivate the gift or achieve the goal. How did we get the gift or the vision? By looking at nothing but the cross. How did we get to a place where God communicated something so clearly? By looking at nothing but the cross. Be mindful of the gifts and the visions and take joy (not pride) in them, but always recognize that it will be God who gets it done. Always remember that by what Jesus did on the cross that we were saved and never cease to appreciate it. Forget yesterday's successes and failures, take joy in the fact that God is going to use them because He is sovereign. The minute we start to look too inward in our role to play or how we will use our talents we turn our attention from Jesus. By recognizing that all these things are gifts keeps our attention on the giver. God gave us the gifts, the callings, the dreams and He will be true to guide us every step of the way and it will be all the easier as long as our focus is Him.

I. Hate. Fedex.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2


No matter how complicated the problem seems, the answer is always simple. God is indeed "not the author of confusion, but of peace" (2 Corrinthians 14:35). I had been forewarned when I first came to Christ that there would be a season in my walk in which I wouldn't feel as though I was bearing any fruit. A time when I wouldn't feel God's presence as keenly and that it wasn't a reflection of me as a Christian, that it was actually a good thing. "The sacrifice of God is a broken heart, and a broken spirit" (Psalm 51:17). I've given God many "offerings" such as old passions, issues from my past, and other worldly things and it was all necessary. However, I still felt like there was something that He was taking from me. I woke up without my joy and I immediately thought there was something I was doing wrong. I would find solace here and there in His word and prayer but I couldn't shake this feeling. I realized that God wants us broken so that His strength will be all that we would lean on, for His power "is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corrinthians 12:9). I cried out that if I had to feel this way for every day of the rest of my life then so be it. If that is what it takes to be His instrument then so be it. He has saved me from an empty life that would have ended up in inevitable destruction and I never want to turn from Him again. I love Him that much, and He loves me to an infinitely higher degree. As I prayed to Him (before I put it all together) alone in my room I kept asking Him why I had to feel this way. I prayed every prayer I could think of, I did everything, so I had thought. Later, at prayer that night, because He is faithful, He answered me through Ben (if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing that scripture, brother) who read the passage quoted at the top. I felt the words speak to my heart like only the words of my heavenly Father can. I dropped to my knees and did the only thing I had not done in my room: I thanked Him. He shows me more and more each day that this is about Him and not me and that is where the glory is. I want to go on about all the messages He has put on my heart that culminated last night but I can only say that my praises cannot encompass His greatness. To try and describe His holiness is far, far beyond the limits of my expression. That doesn't I mean I won't give it my best shot, I plan to on Tuesday. Praise Jesus.

I don't know, I don't want to care, I'm trying very hard just to believe...but I really just don't know anything.