"THE WORD IS NEAR YOU, IN YOUR MOUTH AND IN YOUR HEART"--that is, the word of faith which we are preaching, that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation." - Romans 10:8-10


How often have I recited this verse to someone with no fervor in my voice? How often have I treated like some formula, or a sales pitch? How often have I rejoiced in it? This is the knowledge of my salvation, the "helmet" in the "armor of God" which guards my mind. One of the most successful lies of the devil is that there is something else to find out. That somehow the problems you’re facing are so new and novel and beyond comprehension that you don’t need the fundamental truth of God’s Word. He whispers to us to get us to remove the helmet and I get to arguing with him or I try to do the work of God without God. You know you’re helmet is off when everything is juxtaposed - your relationship with God feels burdensome (when He promises rest for us) and your problems SEEM to have sovereignty instead of God. "For with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness" - I don’t have to justify myself, there is no amount of "Godly" things I can do to make myself a Christian I am as much a Christian as I trust God to make me. God has brought me some way in this area but some works of deliverance take time, He started the work and He’ll finish it. I’ve read a lot lately about great men of God who fell when it seemed they were at the pinnacle of their careers or ministries. They fell for sin that were obvious: sexual immorality, drug addiction and other stuff. The Word says the sins of the flesh are "obvious," it seems like a real no-brainer. There were always two reasons; lack of intimacy with Jesus and lack of accountability to members of the body. They started trying to do it on their own, removed themselves from God’s protection, ran out of steam and lost their spiritual effectiveness and had no power to resist the "obvious" sins of the flesh. It isn’t a matter of how much you can see, or figure out, it’s actually a lot simper than we make it. God’s command to Adam was pretty straight forward - "don’t eat from that tree." It was satan who complicated by asking questions to draw Adam and Eve away from the simple knowledge of God. Don’t get me wrong I love getting revelation from God but revelation comes from relationship not from having figured anything out - "Lean NOT on your own understanding," Proverbs says. The most basic way to activate faith in your heart is to ask for help, some part of you wants to ask for help and that, I believe, is the free gift of faith, the mustard seed, that God gave you so that you could be saved from whatever you’re in. If there is a desire in your heart to ask for help that you have faith because if you didn’t have any faith you wouldn’t even think or want to ask. The confession from the mouth is the activation of the faith in your heart. I am justified because I believe Jesus died for my sins and I have to activate that faith every day and confess His Lordship. If that knowledge isn’t what you’re relying on, I wonder if you’ve misplaced your helmet. I've just secured mine and it feels pretty damn good.

I haven't posted in a bit soooo here I am. So, I'm being promoted at work and I've been praying that God keeps me in line as far as not getting caught up in the business of life. I heard a good word the other day, "business creates barreness." I wept in prayer not too long ago because I felt like I was growing weary between my time with God, work, all the church meetings, making time for people, so forth and so on. I asked is this how people lose their first love? The church of Ephesus was complimented for their good works but they had become busy with doing things for God and not taking time to allow Him to love them and to love Him in return. I can't do this on my own and I and thank God that He reminds of that, He consoled me with this scripture; "As a father has compassion on his children so the Lord has compassion on those that fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust" (Psalm 103:13-14). Hey, if God made a plan to restore His children to Himself despite Adam and Eve handing the world to satan then I think I can trust Him with the plans of my life, no? He's not sweating over it so I don't think I'm going to either because I belong to Him.

this is a first draft of a free verse poem that I just wrote:


When will I see past myself?

I remember my sin
I remember him who stood to condemn me

I remember my wounds
him who stood to stab me
each slice, each cut was deliberate and precise

I remember entertaining him
I remember believing the lies
being seduced by his promises

I remember seeing the mirror
seeing the cuts, the scabs, the bruises

I remember hearing his jeers
I felt the pain and then the numbness
as he drugged me
lured me
with more promises

I remember stepping into the light
and seeing the darkness
I remember the mirrors everywhere
seeing myself
wretched
poor
blind
naked

I remember seeing Jesus
the needles filled with apathy
couldn’t numb the pain

my accuser’s promises no longer stirred me
his touch now made me vomit

I remember my riches
my Lover giving me his garment
his gentle hands lifting my head to see

when will I no longer look back to the mirrors?
when will I look to him with a single eye like the dove?

my accuser stands condemned
who is he to condemn me?
I can hear my Savior’s voice calling me
"look away from the mirrors
gaze at me my love."

So, here we are again and here I go. I often hear about trials, I hear about taking on giants in our lives and all this stuff. What I want to know is, what about the silence? I received a word in which it was said "the silence tests our faith more than giants do." What will we do when there is no circumstantial reason to cry out to God? People always say in the midst of a trial that we must thank God and rejoice in Him even though our feelings tell us otherwise. It’s easier to recognize our need for God when things are obviously too much to handle. Therein lies the blessing of a trial; that we come to rely more on God than anything else. It is a blessing when we are forced to put our hope in only Him, but why wait? Sometimes it takes an event for us to wake up and if that is what it takes than so be it. However, it doesn’t always have to be that way. I want to face trials the way David did, he strolled up to Goliath and told him he was going to serve him his head (1Samuel 17:46). God prepared him for that moment with Goliath, he was killing bears and lions to protect his flock before that fateful day (17:34). Jesus warned against a complacent attitude in Revelations 3:17, "you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful , poor, blind, and naked." It’s not about feeling good in the midst of a trial and the goal is to resist the temptation of becoming absorbed in our own suffering. Inversely, you don’t have to start making yourself miserable in a period of rest to remember how much you need God and the goal is to not become sleepy and too comfortable.


We used to say in karate that a fight was decided the months, days, hours, and minutes leading up until the match. The moments you spent sparring, doing pushups, running, etc. Chances are, the person who trained the hardest is going to win, the fruits of your labor will be manifested in that clash and there is no sense in looking back and wishing you had trained harder. The bible clearly states, "the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames" (1 Corinthians 3:13-15). You don’t work on your house in the middle of a storm, you work on a good day realizing that some day a storm is going to come and you should be prepared. Does this mean you spend every waking hour preparing for disaster? Obviously not. We don’t spend time with God just so we’ll be ready for challenges. Nevertheless, challenges will come and I’d rather receive discipline from my Father who delights in me than have to find my bearings in the midst of one of life’s tragedies. The tragedies will still affect us, but it doesn’t have to be a set back in our walk with God. In the dojo, students were in an environment where they could be tested, they could face the fear of confrontation, learn that being hit wasn’t the end of the world, they could learn to be calm, not to fly off in a rage at someone else. Better to learn in a safe environment like that than to have to learn on the street. Better to seek God now, to hang in there when He is working in us, to be "zealous and repent", to realize those whom He loves He will "rebuke and discipline" (Rev 3:19).


Will we be like Israel who went from being delivered from captivity to doubting God? Or will we go from glory to glory? Will we cling to the hope that we will be like Him one day and be purified by that hope(1 John 3)? We must put our confidence in His promise that He will be faithful to complete the work that He started (Phil 1:6). Let’s please Him by trusting Him, because we can’t please Him without faith and "anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him" (Hebrews 11:6). We can’t please Him without faith and we will not know peace and joy from our relationship with Him until we trust Him. We were made to worship, God made us to do that, we worship something when we trust it and put our hope in it. We have the faith, we have the hope, it’s simply misplaced. God is love and love hopes and believes and we’re made in His image and that is why "the just shall live by faith" (1 Cor 13, Genesis 1:27, Romans 1).

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17

So, every once in a while I dedicate a post to someone when I've noticed some sort of impact they have had. In a previous post a while ago, I thanked Paul and Ryan for being awesome friends during my whole ordeal a year ago. There are numerous people who I might not get to mention here who are awesome, so don't think people who are mentioned are the "elite." Unfortunately I don't have all the time in the world to mention everyone so I just go with someone who is at the forefront of my mind. So, Jake here is to you, bud.

You've been an awesome roommate and brother and I appreciate you listening to me complain about random stuff. It's great to have someone who can relate to a lot of the same daily struggles and all that other tumultuous stuff that we face together at work and everything else we do together. I know this great time in the apartment won't be forever (much to Tim's dismay) but I am enjoying this time a lot with you and Nate. You're my bro in arms, my tag team partner right now and God knew that I needed one and who more solid and trustworthy that Jacob Waugh? Just wanted to express my appreciation for being you and to tell you that I'll kill anyone for you. Keep buidling solid walls and remember to stack your incompatibles on the right side of the trailer.

I felt very moved to write this and I hope it ministers to someone at some point somewhere. Do you remember being a child? How easy was it to have faith when we were children, to have all the confidence in the world that everything was going to be okay? Why can’t we have that faith today? As children, we put our hope in circumstances; summer was a taste of heaven, Saturday morning cartoons were the high point of the week, sleep overs...I can go on. Children are meant to be taught to have faith because it’s easy to believe when things are easy. I suspect this is why Jesus was so severe about "causing children to sin" and that it would be better for that person "to have a millstone around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea" (Matthew 18). As adults circumstances get a hold of us, cause cynicism, they steal our hope. However, Jesus said to enter the kingdom of God we must be like children - "unless you change and become like children you cannot enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 18:3). He also said that the Father had hidden the mysteries of heaven from the "wise and the learned" and "revealed them to little children" (11:25). You are meant to have that faith and that hope throughout your life, but you can’t have it with anything here. We learn things as adults that start to break down our ability to trust and so Jesus tells us we must be born again. We must learn why we were ever given the ability to hope, to dream, and to believe. We were given these gifts to know our Father.


Anyone who claim to be completely pessimistic is lying to themselves. If you claim not to have hope, you’re simply putting your hope in your negative disposition thinking that that will somehow save you from pain. It won’t, and you know in your heart it isn’t sparing you from anything except truly being alive. God has faith in us, He is love and the bible says love "hopes all things" and "believes all things" (1 Corrinthians 13). We’re made in His image so we do have faith, we just misuse it. If God didn’t have hope for you He wouldn’t have created you, loved you, or came and died for you. Let’s start with where you are and ask yourself if anything here is worth all of your hope. Nothing sustains you more than hope but hope needs to be put into something, so why not take a step and have faith that He loves you. Why not put aside some of the things we think makes us "wise and learned" as adults and become like children and just approach Jesus? God said of Israel that they "do not cry out to Me from their hearts" that they "wail upon their beds" (Hosea 7). I’m not saying to be naive or ignorant, you’ve learned some hard lessons but instead of wailing about it to no avail, why not have faith that when you cry out to God because you know you need Him that He will hear you? Jesus desires to live in our hearts to restore our relationship based on hope and faith with our Father. What have you got to lose except the burden you know is getting too heavy?

"They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds." - Hosea 7:14

I often wonder if we really know what we've been saved from or what we have attained in Christ. Lord, open our eyes to the reality of the death we have been spared and help us to see the life You have given us, let us be truly transformed by the renewing of our minds. God never said He was merely the right way, He says He is "THE way, THE truth, and THE life." Have we come to the end of ourselves when we say, "though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him" (Job 13)? Being a good or bad servant is nonsense - either you're serving the Lord or you're not. Let's simply choose today whom we will serve, allow the Spirit to have free reign, and decide to let God be the ultimate reality in everything we do.

Today was an awesome day mainly because of an hour (or more) that Alicia, Debbie, Heather, Jake and I spent in prayer and worship. It wasn't planned at all and the Holy Spirit spoke so much it was phenominal. A big thing we were all getting, something that brought us to tears was breaking formulas. For too long Christians have been living on formulas in their walk and it extends to the way we see people. All this emphasis on saying the sinner's prayer and all the regulations and boundaries that we use to define Christianity. Somewhere after the intense moments I think we listen to sublte suggestions, we forget to be like children, we start becoming yoked into slavery when we're supposed to be free and showing others freedom. Paul spoke so much about this in Galatians, he really summed it by writing; "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" (5:6). Our faith and love are intertwined and if we love and trust and love God than that will express itself in our love for one another. I'm learning to be blatantly honest with God in prayer, I do all my complaining to Him, I repent for unbiblical feelings (like anger and resentment towards God) but I still tell Him how I feel but in the midst of those feelings is when I know I have to choose to love and trust God and that is when God helps me endure. Bring it all to Him, nothing you do makes you worthy in God's sight, it's only Christ that does that. Bring Him all the feelings - good, bad and ugly. No one cares more than He does. It's all about Him - I think if you want to increase your faith, focus on how faithful Jesus is, increase your love, meditate on His great love. In beholding Christ with the eyes of our heart we are transformed, the more we lift Him up in our thoughts the more free reign the Holy Spirit has within us.

These are the verses from Galatians 5 that we were really on my heart this afternoon:
"You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace."
"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?"
"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature...The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself""

We have to stop trying to do things to justify ourselves before God so as to expect that from others and judge them. We're free, not to sin like crazy, but freed from judgment and having to live up to a standard on our own power by man made rituals or rules. We are free to love God with all of our might, to meet with Him and have interactions with Him that aren't designed for anyone else but you. How personal and intimate is Jesus to us? I asked God today at church to speak to me, I didn't want anyone else, don't get me wrong, I need prayer just as much as anyone else and I love my friends and family, but ultimately the One that I need is God and I wanted something just from Him. I didn't get it that moment but a few minutes later, He spoke to me using a specific memory to convey something about Himself that brought me to tears and encouraged me like nothing else ever could. I know if I told some people what it was, they might say "aww" or something like that but no one will ever understand that moment, as well as other moments, and that's okay because it's strictly between God and I. I am His and He is mine.

People aren’t enough, relationships aren’t enough, love (as the world experiences it) is not enough. Your career isn’t enough, money isn’t enough, ambition isn’t enough, passion isn’t enough, brilliance isn’t enough, achievement isn’t enough, potential, skill, talent, strength, intelligence is not enough. Your significant other, your sibling, your best friend, your soul mate, your pet, your self. Is not enough. All these things combined at the same time and place aren’t enough. This world is not enough and it never will be. Something that transcends how we feel yet causes us to taste of feelings that we can never know anywhere else is what we need. We need something that we can never get in this world. We need something that lies beyond our expectations because, lets be honest, we don’t know what we want or need half the time. There is a God that created you, gave you everything you have, gave you the capacity to enjoy the things of this world. He also came in the flesh to show you how to live and He came to die and to be raised up to give you what you need the most. He left room in you, a part of you that will know no satisfaction until you meet Him and recognize the need for Him, until you realize that what you really want, what you really need, is Him. He came to defeat your worst fears. He came to bring you love that is everything that you need, but not always what you want at first. It is perfectly honest, forgiving, merciful, appreciative, humbling, uplifting and beyond our understanding. It is perfect and that is why we will never fully understand it.

Let’s admit that we’re not perfect, let’s admit that if perfection was staring us in the face we wouldn’t know because we don’t have perfect eyes to see perfection. We don’t have perfect to hearts to feel perfection, we don’t have perfect minds to comprehend perfection, we don’t have perfect ears to hear the perfect message. The only way is to believe and understand it more and more as we grow closer to that perfection who is Jesus Christ. We need to be perfected and that is something only He can do. Let’s admit that our logic is a far cry from perfection and our answers lie in the realm that we might consider illogical. We don’t have control, what we do is at its best a spark in a giant stadium, that we cannot live up to the sense of morality we have in our hearts, we can’t live this life the way it’s supposed to be lived. Let’s admit that the things we look at and think about on a daily basis are jaded. Let’s admit that we want to be God, to be in control of things we never will be, that we think by doing this or that that we’ll be able to make our lives right or change our destiny. Let’s admit that we can’t. Let’s look at the cross. Let’s look to Jesus because we have to admit that nothing we’re doing is working. He promises if you give your life to Him and that you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Let’s look at the fact that there were hundreds of prophecies foretelling details about His life, death, and resurrection and that He fulfilled every one of them. Let’s look at all of His actions and see which ones weren’t done out of love. Let’s ask ourselves why we wouldn’t believe in the God of the bible. Perfect honesty is a hard thing to accept but we aren’t perfectly evil, so maybe there is a part of us that wants to believe but there is another that simply doesn’t want to believe that we need Him. Lets be honest, we really don’t know what we want or need half the time. Lets talk about "blind faith" as the world sees it. Do I understand why God does everything He does? No, but a good relationship is based on trust. To insist that we have to understand all the facts before considering God or that He has to meet some requirements is arrogance.

Let’s get past the idea that God is what you want Him to be that He has the standards you want Him to have. That idea completely reverses the dynamic of a relationship between a superior God and an inferior man. If the inferior is deciding for himself what the superior is than he has broken the relationship, in his heart he wants to be God. Let’s go back to the garden where the devil told Adam and Eve that they could be like God. They believed the lie and so do we. We can admit that God is perfect and we’re not, yes? Wouldn’t it then stand to reason that at some point we have to admit that what we want to think about God is going to be wrong? If God was one to be completely figured out by our mere minds than He wouldn’t be God. Ah but God tells us things about Himself, that He is good, that He loves us and that we’re lost and blind without Him. This is also why the bedrock of Christianity is repentance and surrender, because it has to be God who does the work in us to make us the people we’re supposed to be.

Christ came with the perfect message - that we can’t be perfect, that God desires you but the relationship has to be on His terms. He gave Himself up for us in a way that no one ever could, He also created us, so He hasn’t fallen short on His end. If my relationship with God isn’t where it should be and He is perfect then the issue is with me. We have to step outside ourselves "those who seek to save their life will lose it and those who seek to lose their life for my sake will save it." There is a part of you that insists there is nothing in this world for you, that it’s all for naught and there is a part of you that insists that there must be more so you seek to fill that need by latching onto things of this world. Both of those sides are right and wrong, There is something more to all of this and it isn’t in anything of this world. This world is a waste without God. Some people say, ‘what would happen if we all loved each other?’ maybe in a perfect world, right? There will be no perfect world and the only thing you can change is your own life and you need Jesus to do that. The only heart you have to give is your own and it’s precious to Him. Don’t take my word for it, approach God alone at night, talk to Him when you gaze at the night sky. Ask Him if this whole Jesus thing is a quack, that is what I did. Put it all aside and approach Him with a clean slate and I know He’ll answer, just make time to listen.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." -Matthew 7:7-8

"Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you" - James 4:8

so, I'm back. I might start putting more of my creative writing in here for some feedback. criticize if you wish, just be tasteful or I'll punch you.

the end, sucka.

I had stuff that I was going to put in here, but I figured I'm just going to write. It's amazing how littleI care about the things in front of me...maybe "care" is too strong of a word, more like "anxious." God is my reality and at this point when it becomes a choice between God and other things I feel like asking, what choice do I have really? I feel like I've been going through this Job-like internal experience. God has just closed doors allowed circumstances to really press in on me and for a while I was feeling real kicked around, I had to really fight by clinging to the promises of God - He is the only reason why I'm not defeated. I'm at a more peaceful time after all the crap and you know what the best part is? my circumstances haven't really changed, God has taught me to look squarely at Him and find peace right where I am, I don't have to scramble for it by looking to anything here, it really becomes a matter of choice. Pastor Stahl told me that as we get closer to God we see more of our sinfulness and I definitely saw it and grieved over it. I know that seeing my potential for evil apart from the grace of God but choosing to believe that I'm wholly accepted and loved because of Christ is one of the keys to seeing sin in others but hoping for them anyway. I'm a work far from completion, because I'm slow, but to say I haven't grown lately would be an insult to God because it's all because of Him. I know I've grown because simply I love God more, I trust Him more. my reality has been juxtaposed so much so that I have a dettachment to everything and God is more and more becoming my stability. too often I see in popular books or churches a user-friendly Christianity in which it talks only about purpose, peace, and joy. yes to all that, but Christ came to save a lost world, to restore a broken relationship with the Father and that brings the greatest peace and joy and it is the one true purpose for a human being but it involves a lot of pain. Job was brought to a point where he said even if God slew him he would still hope in Him - now that is faith. that kind of work isn't something you can just work up, it's constant surrender. my life is in God's hands but everything else is subject to rearrangement to God's plan of revealing Himself to me and then me showing Him to others.

I'm working on being a teacher, not an infant. it's not about asking whether God is for me or am I still saved, it's living "up to what we have already attained" (philippians 3:15). What have I attained? I can sum it up with this verse, "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'yes' in Christ. and so through Him the 'amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, gauranteeing what is to come." (1 cor :20-22). Seek God at all times and we won't be the people being spoken of in Hebrews 5 who need the basic teachings of God taught to us all over again when things get tough. Believe it, use your will because our will, our ability to choose is what makes us in the image of God. Love, hope, joy, peace, and faith are largely a matter of choice. Even asking for faith is stepping out in faith because if there was no reason to believe then you wouldn't be asking God for faith in the first place. Trust me, you have all the faith you need. we put our faith in things all the time that don't deserve it. the bible is pretty clear on choosing and not choosing Jesus and it's also clear for the believer that he will be tested. 2 Corinthians 3:12-15 talks about building on your foundation and that what you build will be tested and, if you so desire (and if you desire this, I wonder if you honestly know Christ) you can be saved by the skin of your teeth. I'm not interested in the milk, I belong to Jesus, there is no option of turning back or glancing over my shoulder wondering if God is mad at me, all the wrath of the Father is satisfied with the acceptance of Christ. any disciplining we go through now is out of love because our Father delights in us (proverbs 3). and if Christ had to learn obedience through suffering that means we do too (hebrews 4 or 5). it's odd how so many Christians take God's rebuking as condemnation. the more important and grand we are in our own eyes, the more we're actually trying to be like the great I AM and not like Christ. one of the best things God can do is show you worth by yourself, else we would set out to take on everything and get crushed. If we're going to trust Him as our refuge than we have no really see that there is no true safety except in Him.

There are times when God has to get a hold of us, like children who have to have a bottle put to their lips. but if God is in us willing us to act "according to His good purpose" than we have to start choosing to seek Him for no other reason to do so, so as to model Jesus. it's about rousing yourself in your devotions, being blatantly honest in prayer and when the Spirit leads you to something you go for it with reckless abandon. and no, it's not always comfortable, but that's why we "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil 2:12). we don't face trials here because we probably couldn't handle it, because we're seeking God when we have to or only when we "feel led." do it all the time in all that you do ask for a revelation of God in whatever you're doing. I want to be like Jacob who really reached out and wrestled with God, the most dangerous times are the mundane periods when we can fall asleep in the comfort of lukewarmness. we have traces of the truth in our culture with Jesus conveniently left out and I honestly believe it's partly because of dilluted truth in the church. I believe leaders have to stop wanting to be right and starting wanting Jesus to be glorified and then the body will work together because we'll all finally be listening to the head.

I know my posts are long, not sure how many people still read this, if you did than I pray that some part of this babble blessed you. good night.

just wanted you to know that I've been doing a lot of writing, some of it might make it here...or it might not. BACK OFF!

I remember when someone was eager to learn the next kata in karate my sensei would ask him/her to perform the one that he/she had been working on. After studying the person, he would usually get up and go through it with them and correct them. Afterward they would usually ask, "so, I can learn the next one?" to which he would reply "you have to work on what you’ve already learned." When someone would ask me to teach them something new, I’d appreciate their eagerness but I also knew if I taught them something new at the wrong time that they wouldn’t appreciate what they knew. I almost never taught someone something new when they asked me to. I looked for the students who loved what they were already doing, the few that took joy in diligence, not novelty. We always think that when we get something new, we’ll be satisfied it doesn’t matter if it’s something material or from God. We come to the teacher, asking for revelations, to be "taken higher." Jesus said to learn of Him because He was "meek and lowly of heart" He didn’t say, "learn of me, because I know everything." I am learning the lesson to find God in the smallest things (or, small in my prideful eyes) and suddenly every day becomes huge. To me, this is one of the keys of obtaining an eternal perspective. I felt God repeating the thing about being meek and lowly in heart and I became elated and I thought "that’s it!" If you want to go higher, you have to make yourself lower. I wonder at my own motives sometimes when I think of doing "great things" for God. I have asked God to give me the drive and desire to disappear, to be meek, to serve and love others whether they see it or not with the faith that God delights in it. I think that can only start to happen when I can really be assured that God loves me for all that I am, for all my mess ups, that He created me down to the last detail for a specific purpose for His glory and delight. I hear so many pep talks where people say "we gotta start serving Him! Get off your butt, church!!!" I’m not saying there isn’t a discipline here, or that we don’t need a kick in the butt every once in a while, we’re told not to resent our Father’s discipline. However, I also think people need another kind of motivation, we need to be motivated by grace, not peer pressure. God blesses us every day, we have to put ourselves in the position to receive it, which is on our faces.

People who grow spiritually are people who are taking Jesus up on His offer in Revelations 3:18, "I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see." But to be in the position to receive one must realize that they’re "wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked" (3:17). We buy riches from God, not by giving Him something great, He rebuked David when he wanted to build God a cedar palace (2 Samue7:5-7). God isn’t asking us to push away our sin, problems, and anxieties aside and give Him something "great." Buy His riches, cast off the anxieties, trade the burden of your sin and worry for His lighter burden. Allow God to enrich you by trading in the sin that He convicts you of. God never just takes, only Satan does that, Satan is the destroyer, he takes and takes until you’re consumed. God replaces with His love until you’re perfect. If Christ is in you, if you’ve accepted Him and His sacrifice then He is at your center, in your heart and He wants to grow and push ignoble things out. Jesus’ prayer for believers would be that they would know that the Father loves us just as much as He loves Christ (John 17:23) and that we would show that to the world. How can we show it if we’re not assured? Jesus endured the cross for "the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 11). We have to endure times of trial, looking to the "author and perfecter" of our faith and trust that though the giving of ourselves is painful, we will be all the more enriched for it. Focus not on what you give but what God gives and when that trust in His love and generosity abides in you you will endure. You’re feelings might not change, neither will your circumstances immediately (maybe not for a while). To be a conqueror in Christ is, I think, to have times when you feel stressed, angry, or even sinful but to stand on the promise that nothing will separate you from God’s love. I felt guilty for feeling angry and impatient for feeling beaten and weak in some of my present situations but I realize that the feelings will come and go, circumstances might kick me around but I really don’t care because my strength isn’t reliant on how strong I feel, it isn’t reliant on me at all. God is my strength, don’t ask for God to give you strength, thank Him that He IS your strength. Paul was a broken man but he was boastful in God, "if God be for us, who can stand against us?" (Romans 8). If you’re asking God to be your rock, then you’re implying that at some point He wasn’t or that He needed an extra reminder. You need to be reminded that He is your rock, your refuge, your strength. Automatically, the enemy will suggest your selfish for standing on these things, but you’re standing on promises that God already made. Temptation isn’t a matter of tempting with pleasure, that’s a foolish, religious idea. Temptation is Satan trying to use any means to look to yourself instead of God. Peter always blabbered on about how much he gave for God but when it got put to the test he denied Jesus. He relied on his own promises to God and didn’t stand on God’s promises. None of us can say ‘I’ll do anything for God’ but we can say "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13). Try and motivate yourself to be Godly and that goes nowhere, come before God acknowledging that you’re blind, naked, sinful, poor and He gives you sight, clothes you with Himself, forgives you and enriches you. The closer you get to God the more sinfulness you see but you have to stand on the promise that there is "no condemnation for us in Christ" and that you are wholly accepted and pleasing to God because of Christ.

Paul always seemed to talk about two things in his letters: false discipline or no discipline. Either people were subjecting themselves to religious laws that "indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack ANY VALUE in restraining sensual indulgence" (Colossians 2:22). Or people were sinning like crazy because of a misinterpretation of what grace is. Either way you go, it’s a lack of Godly discipline. Either way, it’s self-centered, resisting God and laying down for the devil. In my view, Godly discipline is standing on His promises when you go through trials, or times of inner breaking and pruning, and straining to go on whether you see results or not in the moment. It’s laying down on the operating table and saying "just do it, God."

Everything in karate is built on the kihon, or, the basics. Stances, block, strikes, and kicks. Every complex form, sparring tactic, or self-defense maneuver is comprised of the basics. Every revelation is comprised of one or more simple principles that we’re ready to see in a new light. I think about not judging people by our own measures and the way people are tested in karate. C.S. Lewis said that it’s more virtuous for a naturally mean person to be nice than a person who is naturally given to more kindness to be kind. As it is more virtuous for that kind person to be more assertive for a good purpose than it would be for the more naturally aggressive person. We all start at different points and, realistically, most will only grow to a certain extent given their circumstances. I tend to look at people like my father when he gets gruff but I fail to look at the whole picture. His dad died when he was nine and his mother was an alcoholic, yet by the grace of God he is here today with a family for which he provides greatly for, gives generously of his money and time to his church, above all, he strives to love God with all his heart, mind, and soul. I am trying to learn to see everyone that way. Indeed, we should be bearing fruit but I know I have to be patient with where I came from and learn to see the fruit in my life and learn to see people the way Christ does. When we test people in karate, we look to see how often the person showed up, how diligent and respectful they were. Ultimately that will show in their technique, with the right attitude they will stay determined and get better. However, not everyone is going to be Bruce Lee and that’s not any fault of their own, they might have every bit of heart that he did. Turns out, it's your heart that God really cares about. I spar everyone differently, it isn’t about going as hard as possible with everyone. If I’m more experienced I work to help them, going just hard enough to keep them moving. If someone doesn’t want to be touched, if they just want to play then I play and respect the kind of person they are. Of course, there those of us that love to push each other, to really go at it and I can honestly say there has never been any maliciousness or anger. The sparring always stopped at a moments notice if someone had to stop, when someone hit you you acknowledged the hit with a smile and a nod. It’s not about how hard you go, it’s about pushing yourself. Sparring is an exchange, it should really be mutually beneficial for both people. Whenever someone wanted to spar to see who was the better, truth be told there were times when I wanted nothing more than to give them what they were asking for, usually my conscience weighed on me and I’d kindly decline. Then there were those who just wanted to spar because they just enjoyed it and I’d have some of the toughest, but most enjoyable, matches in which me and the other person would have a weird kinship afterward. How a person trained and fought usually spoke volumes about their character, martial arts is very expressive, you learn to read people on a deeper level through their movements.

Everything except sin points to the truth of God and the way He works. We were always told to keep a beginner’s mind in karate, always be willing to learn from those who were higher and lower in rank. When someone came in we would have to teach them movements that were contrary to the way they were used to moving. You had to unlearn old habits and replace them with new reflexes through hours of arduous training. Just like Christianity we must come as children always willing to be taught, always willing to unlearn old ways and have them be replaced by Christ likeness in our constant seeking of Him through reading the word, prayer, and worship.

an enchanted moment 

all kinds of tough in this picture 

gangsta...kinda... 

you're the man, jon. 

if jen was any happier, she'd explode 

what? 

usually you kiss the cook, but in this case the cook was giving 'em out. don't hate paul because he's pretty, karen. 

lord of the grill 

alicia and brian (he spells his name wrong) saw God but everyone else was distracted. 

what a man, what a man... 

me. 

so, I don't have a premeditated message, I am just going to write about random thoughts and feelings. this might sound harsh, but just follow me. I don't care for looking ahead at the future, it's really been a big waste of time. the future is now, it's being determined by what God is asking me to do today. I hear too much stuff like "oh, I'm not called to do that," out of my own mouth and others. I am called to love and serve God, I don't care whether it's as an evangelist, preacher, teacher, prophet, missionary, fedex ground package handler, fireman, shoe salesman...you get the friggin' point. it's called a walk in faith, that doesn't mean I sit here and wait for God to shine light on my next step. it means I walk, I do things I do and don't have a preference for and trust that God will open some doors and shut others. God will speak when He knows I'm ready. I don't care about success as the world measures it, or even as some churches measure it. I don't care about the number of saved souls, I'd rather see one person saved and discipled to a life completely surrendered to Christ than one hundred people who get saved and do nothing. my sensei used to say "I'd rather one good pushup than ten crappy ones." I'm tired of insisting on what I'm called to do, that is complete arrogance. I've found discernment is keeping things simple, clinging to the simple promises of God regardless of circumstances. the complication comes with feelings, people, events and places that attempt to steal peace and joy from my life. I've tried too many times to see what God is doing in a situation before it's over and that's just stupid. I don't have to know unless He wants me to know, I know when I hear God because He is God not because of I have thought about things long enough. I'm at peace but I'm fed up with all of this and so until God speaks to me about the future, about a direction, I am going to "take up my bed and walk" not lay on it. the question on whether I can do something for God isn't "what am I good at?" it's "do I have the Holy Spirit?" What I'm good or bad at has its place but I don't care to think about it anymore.

so much for not having a message...

Well, I figured I’d write because I haven’t in a while. I’ve been an odd place lately, a little rough but it’s probably one of the best stages of my spiritual growth. God has been silent and yet He hasn’t been. I have no clear direction right now, but He keeps reassuring me that He loves me. I realize that no matter how holy an idea seems, no matter how much thought I put into my future, it doesn’t mean a thing. I have learned that from this whole cop job disappointment. We can swear up and down sometimes that God is leading us somewhere but sometimes you have to see the doors get slammed in your face to realize He’s God. I’ve learned to start claiming the fruits of the Spirit to live in the every day because that is where everything begins - right now. I look at where I am right now and I ask myself "How can I get to know God more today? How can I serve Him? How can I serve others?" This time is a blessing, it has forced me to look away from circumstances and go into deeper communion with God. I won’t lie, I’ve had some moments in the past few days in which I was very close to saying "the heck with all of this." In drawing closer to God, I have come face to face with the selfish motives of my human heart. Without God, we really are selfish and wretched, I thank Jesus that I can bring this sin to the light and be renewed. God has shown me just how much I try and take control and I have a new appreciation for repentance. I realized just how much I was dwelling on what God was doing in my life (or, what I thought He was doing) and I was praying for others less, I was becoming overwhelmed. I tried to take the burden only to realize that I know nothing except that God is good and I need to listen more. I’ve had a few key people who God has used to minister to me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (you know who you are).

I’m not "happy" right now, but I am at peace and I definitely have had to claim that peace daily because God offers it to me as His child, His beloved. We so quickly fall into the deception that our life is ours. No one did anything to receive life and they can’t control when they lose it. Pride and possession are closely interwoven, the minute I assume possession over something my pride rears its ugly head. Thankfully, I have been stripped of many things lately and God will put things back together as He sees fit and I’m not going to think about it. I’m taking a hands off approach and work on looking away from myself to God and to others.

So, I have come to realize that incite gone astray is over-analyzation. Zeal and passion without temperance can lead to mere emotional highs, or even hysteria. Mercy without a backbone turns into mere pity. Conviction without mercy leads to condemnation. Love without action is infatuation, actions without love are meaningless.

I surrendered my passion for the things of this world to God. Turns out, He wants more. He wants a clean slate, He doesn’t just want my motives for doing things of this world. He wants to instill new ones, He wants my love for Him to be so set apart from, yet evident in, everything I do. I don’t know how that is going to be done, what I do know is that I am choosing to say, "yes, Lord, I love you."

So, I’m back to share what I’ve gained with my intense introspection, er, I mean, my conversations with God (phew, the joke was almost up!). So much of this is about choice and God is just flat out lovely, worthy and, well, Godly. I’ve had a lot of time alone with God lately and He has really been talking to me about the motives of my heart. "Choose your motives, Bryan," is what He’s said. I’ve been trying to find the right motives to do things - things I enjoy and things I don’t. Finally, I realize the problem; the wrong motives for serving God lead to wrong motives for just about everything else. The bible says to be poor but to be rich in God (Revelations 3:17). I realized that I own nothing, I don’t love my life and it’s one of the greatest revelations I have ever come to. God gives us things like people, talents, maybe even material stuff but it’s not ours it is God’s. I can have many things but none of them are mine, not even my life. I can’t tell you how much joy wells up in me when I write that and say it aloud.

I woke up in the middle of the night and God spoke as I was stumbling into the bathroom "do not approach my throne just out of guilt." Godly sorrow is different than mere guilt, one you can gain from and one you don’t. I realized that sometimes I serve God out of guilt and fear, the same motives that I would sometimes use to motivate myself for other things. When I wasn’t a serious Christian I’d force myself to upkeep hobbies out of the fear that I would lose my worth and if I didn’t do them I would feel guilty. I realized that I have carried that into the kingdom with me. God wants me to serve Him out of love, to know His love for me and others. One thing I always remember is that it always goes back to the Garden. Either you want to be God or you want to obey Him. When I serve God to appease fear or guilt I am really serving myself, I want to stand in approval of myself and say "now, I have earned it." It’s pride, albeit a little warped, but pride nonetheless. I’m not waiting for the perfect motives to come along and then serve God, it’s always going to be a conflict. I love God more now than I did before and as a result I serve Him more. Early on in life, we have people who evaluate our performance and we internalize their measures and judge ourselves and others by them. Repentance for the internalization of these things, for using them against God, others and yourself is the only way to be free of them. Accepting Jesus’ forgiveness, forgiving the ones who have wronged you, forgiving yourself allows you to choose your motives. I have begun lately to really take advantage of the power of choice. I choose to believe that I have all the encouragement and fulfillment I will ever need in Christ whether I feel differently at the moment or not. I choose to serve God because I love Him.

I can choose the right motives, I can say that I love God and am going to serve Him because that is the kind of heart He has instilled in me when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. To say "I’m a bad servant" is to listen to the enemy, either I’m a servant or I’m not. Evaluating progress is a dangerous thing with fleshly measures, it irrevocably leads to disappointment and false guilt which lead me away from God. I can say that I will love God with all my heart, mind and soul, that I will persevere, that I will serve Him because (and only because) that is the work He is doing in me and to say otherwise is to imply that His work is null and void. Once you’re in, you’re in now you just have to keep your eyes fixed on Him, to trust that He is working in you. Trying to do it your own way, on your own steam is, in my mind, what causes people to fall. I am worthy not because I am worthy but because I have been made worthy by the cross and that is why I can stand up and say to the enemy "I’m not who you say I am." On top of that, when I am plagued by the enemy it sometimes can mean that I’ve allowed a stronghold in my life which I can take before God and receive freedom. So, in a sense, I can use the enemy’s attacks to my advantage.

It all works for good because I love God. He chose me before I ever knew He existed, He chose me so that I would have the option of choosing Him. What a lovely God that I love and serve. Blessed is my Father who guides me, my Savior Jesus who has redeemed me and blessed is the Holy Spirit who gives me the Godly passion for His namesake.

a love song between God and I...

Forever Lyrics
by Ben Harper

Not talkin' 'bout a year
no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you
People spend so much time
every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you
Like a handless clock with numbers
an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

well, stuff happened that I don't want to get into but the only that has kept me from going postal is the fact that God is good and that my life is His. the point of all this is to know Him and so regardless of cirumstances I seek to know Him in a new way. He is the author of peace and not of confusion but that doesn't always mean He gives answers. However, He has shown me once again that there is freedom and peace in knowing Him. I can try to expound on this but I don't feel there is much of a point right now because it's really not a matter of intellectual understanding, it's a matter of the choice to love and to trust. There's no formula here that will satiate the mind's hunger for "sense," God doesn't lower himself by trying to squeeze into the seemingly neat, secure dome of reasoning known as "common sense."

well, stuff happened that I don't want to get into but the only that has kept me from going postal is the fact that God is good and that my life is His. the point of all this is to know Him and so regardless of cirumstances I seek to know Him in a new way. He is the author of peace and not of confusion but that doesn't always mean He gives answers. However, He has shown me once again that there is freedom and peace in knowing Him. I can try to expound on this but I don't feel there is much of a point right now because it's really not a matter of intellectual understanding, it's a matter of the choice to love and to trust. There's no formula here that will satiate the mind's hunger for "sense," God doesn't lower himself by trying to squeeze into the seemingly neat, secure dome of reasoning known as "common sense."

I think a lot, maybe too much.

No matter what happens, God's there, I'm His, and He's leading.

I got to thinking about boats and how they’re mentioned a few times throughout Luke. Jesus gets into Simon’s boat and asks him to cast out his nets, to which Simon complains a little but he obeys. As a result he is blessed with more fish than him or his boat could handle. The funny thing is that as soon as they get to land He tells Simeon to abandon all of it and follow Him. Those of you who, like me, love seafood might be thinking "why the waste of good fish, God?" It wasn’t a wasted blessing, it achieved its purpose; to show Simeon how unworthy he was to be blessed so abundantly, to drive him to want to be completely devoted to Jesus. The blessing wasn’t there for Simeon’s enjoyment, it was there to show God’s goodness. I know if I were Simeon I’d want to sit down and have myself the fish fry of the century. The real blessing was witnessing a miraculous sign of Jesus’ power, and the unworthiness was a key part of it. He didn’t sit and wallow in his unworthiness and he didn’t get up and assume that he deserved the blessing and become fixated on it. Jesus beckoned and he followed. Yeah, it’s that simple and that hard.

Then we have the guy at Gerasenes who had a radical experience with being delivered from demons. He runs to Jesus and asks to follow Him, but Jesus tells him to go back. Again, I ask "God, what’s the deal? He would have made one heck of a disciple." Sometimes we’re asked to abandon spiritual blessings for the sake of others and that is a real tough one. We cry "Jesus I just want you" and He answers "Go to them." Obviously, He never leaves you but sometimes we see God moving in a great way and we want to jump on the boat but He asks you to be spent somewhere else. I look at that guy who had enough faith in Jesus that he walked away from Him visibly, didn’t feel abandoned and told everyone in his town about great Jesus was and the people welcomed Jesus when He came back (Luke 8:40).

I know I’ve been blessed a lot lately and at first it threw me for a loop. The blessings aren’t for me, they’re there for me to offer to God, to deepen my appreciation and devotion for Him. That is how blessings really bless your life, not just answering a need or desire, they lead you to closer to God. They help you to abide more in the fear of the Lord, to show His goodness. Miracles require faith and are granted to give more faith, so that we can witness God’s greatness. I felt callings over my life when I got serious with God and I jumped up and down for joy but then, peculiarly enough, I see Him sending me to the police force. I trust in the callings, but I feel Him asking "how much are you willing to give?" Am I willing to go so far as to say that I even surrender my calling? When He tells me to be in the every day dealing with people, to interact with them in ways that aren’t comfortable for me. Am I willing to have everything change in the blink of an eye? So many times I hear doing "great things" for God would be going to the nations or doing something grand in our minds. I’m not downplaying anyone’s dreams here, they might be from God, take it up with Him. What if His plan is for you to be in some small town in Utah for the rest of your life? To be spent so that two people are saved and they go off and witness to millions? Are we willing to never see the fruits of our labor?

What is faith? Is faith believing in Him doing amazing things according to our minds? Or, is it saying "I don’t care what it takes, I’ll be hated, I’ll be the doormat, I don’t have to be a super pastor who preaches to millions, or a ‘great’ missionary who travels all around the world...I’ll be whatever it is you want me to be regardless of what men think." Lofty, challenging statement isn’t it? I am praying for that kind of devotion because, quite frankly, I don’t have it. I want to be married one day, I want to be a pastor of a church, I want to prophecy and preach to lots of people. I want to lay the "Godly" desires on the altar because, lets be honest, even things we think are holy are sometimes tainted with a measure of selfishness. The real question to ask is, do I want to be lifted up or do I want to lay myself down so that Christ might be lifted up in me?

I’ve heard so many times "practice what you preach" but I think you have to be what you preach. Jonah preached a message of conviction but he also learned a message of compassion in the belly of the whale. He assumed the second chance was for him only and the punishment was for the people of Nineveh. I look at that story and see someone who could have used his blunder to gain a deeper understanding of himself so that he could have a deeper understanding of the people he was preaching to. It’s easy to pass on a message of correction to others when you’re more spiritually mature than them. Unless I get a word for someone suddenly, something that doesn’t make sense in the context of my life, I assume the message is for me also. Jonah had time to sit in the whale, God gave him that time to reflect on his own shortcomings. How much more effective would Jonah have been in preaching to Nineveh had he really understood the message of second chances, had he really understood the compassion that God had on him. Jesus prayed that believers would know that the Father loves us as much as He loves Jesus. Do you understand the compassion God has on you every day? You have no right to condemn others or yourself.
Jonah preached the message to Nineveh out of obedience to God and God got His message across to those people despite the lack of love Jonah had in his heart. Jonah got the message to them but he didn’t get it for himself. How effective we could be if we really sought to know the love of God. To know His love is to know His will on the deepest level. Christ wants us to be like Him, He wants us to be so filled with the love of God that we are one with Him. I think Christians go one of two ways too often; either we look at other people and try to "have a heart for them" and strain to love them, or we look at what God is doing in our lives and become too fixated with battling our own strongholds. I think we need more of both. More self-examination with the mind of Christ helps you to step out of yourself, understand and be filled with the love of God, which motivates you to love others. Ministering to others should seem effortless in the sense of effort the way the world sees it. There is a different kind of exhaustion that comes when you’re really feeding others, it causes you to go right back to God to seek Him for your life which motivates you to go right back out to serve others. A happy little cycle that I hardly have down to a science.

Testimony

another long one...

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." Revelations 12:11


Too often I hear testimonies that end when someone was "saved." I used to pray with all of my heart as a boy that God would take my life and do with what He wanted. I read the bible here and there and it shaped my way of thinking. I had a lot of seeds that were scarcely watered with a good church. When I came into contact with BASIC and New Covenant I was painfully aware of the water I needed. I always say that this was always part of who I was and it was, it just had never been watered. I used to blame my father but as I look and consider his life I realize that he is definitely an example of radical transformation. His abusive father died when he was nine, he grew up poor in a bad neighborhood, his older brother used to beat the daylights out of him, his mother was an alcoholic, he ended up becoming an alcoholic. After being kicked out of his house by my mother he decided to earnestly pray for God to take his life because he didn’t know what to do with it anymore. Today, he is drug free, he rebuilt his marriage, and he is a dedicated Christian, at his worst he can be abrasive, judgmental and negative. Even despite his tendency towards anger, I’ve seen him soften through the years, I’ve even seen him cry while praying, I’ve seen him struggle to try and approach people better. I joke a lot at his expense but I really thank God for what He did in my father and it brings me great joy to be able to connect with him.


Sometimes I don’t like being asked the question, "how long have you been saved?" I had a sense of God my whole life, I had felt convicted before, I knew instinctively to avoid certain things and I attribute that to my very early experiences with God and His word. The fateful evening at BASIC was a long time coming and I knew it. When the seeds I had began to get nourishment by being around Spirit-filled Christians and having a few key conversations I began to not just seek God but now I was looking for Jesus, the stumbling block, the one who I heard would allow me to have a personal experience with God. That night I really felt God say something along the lines of, "You’ve always known Me, the past few years you’ve really walked away from Me. I’m here to offer you not just to come back but to put both feet in and to really know Me." Too often people look for the key moment, but approaching Jesus is often a long, hard but unbelievably rewarding experience. God’s grace is working everywhere in every living person’s life, knocking on every person’s heart seeking to free them from the bondage of this life.


We pray a lot of lofty prayers. ‘God give me a heart for this or that’, and I’m not downplaying the importance of those prayers. Pray them, but understand that you’re not just going to wake up one day and suddenly feel more love for people. To some extent, yes. However, Jesus told to love others as we love ourselves and we can’t very well love others the right way unless we have the correct view of ourselves. You can’t help anyone with their burden unless you can carry your own first. It starts by learning how the grace of God has worked throughout your life, not just until you prayed the sinner’s prayer. No one prays the prayer and lives happily ever after, your testimony builds as your understanding of God and His love deepens. That will allow you to understand others on a deeper level. It starts with what Christ did and then how that worked in your life and that understanding only comes from your devotional time with God. To see God we need holiness, the more of God you see in your life, the more holiness that you’ve got. The more holy you are the more people are drawn to you, the less you do things by your own effort, and, consequently, the more you will be attacked by the enemy.

The point here is that it starts with you. You don’t pray the prayer to sound holy at a meeting and then not follow up with God by reading the bible and praying every day (yes, every day). It doesn’t matter if it’s 15 minutes or three hours, different days lead to different things but be open to it. This is how your everyday things are transfigured - by preceding them with the word and prayer. This allows you to do even the most mundane things with an attitude of worship. How do you feel looking back on mistakes you’ve made? Times you’ve turned away from God? How do you see yourself when you look back at the years you didn’t know Him? Are you angry? You shouldn’t be. Lack of patience, lack of the right heart for people is there because you don’t evaluate your past with eyes cleansed by holiness, you don’t meditate with the mind of Christ. Somewhere along the line the enemy says to be a good Christian you have to berate yourself and you can’t love yourself. Love who Christ is in you, remind yourself that you’re under the blood of the Lamb. If you’re looking back at your past or the mistakes you’ve made and kicking yourself for them then you’re not having faith in the blood and then you don’t build your testimony and then you don’t overcome he who is in the world.

This is really long...

A Deeper Surrender

"18As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demonpossessed begged to go with him. 19Jesus did not let him, but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Mark 5:18-19

"15 O Lord, open my lips,and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are [a] a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." - Psalm 51:15-17

Many times in as young Christians we become fixated with sacrifice. Now, I’m not downplaying the significance of sacrifice, I want to address what I am learning it to be. Frequently in the bible people look to the disciples who left their lives and everything they knew when Jesus said, "follow Me." At some point, we’re called to follow Him, to set everything aside, realize the futility of this life and all that is has to offer and cry out ‘Your will be done.’ We latch onto Jesus putting all else to the way side to be everything we can be for Him. The motives are mostly right and I have faith that God works with that. What is often forgotten is that God does not "delight in sacrifice," the true sacrifices of God are "a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart" (Psalm 51:16-17). God demands our hearts but He does not demand other things, like "burnt offerings" or things that we have. He needs nothing, the sacrifice of His only begotten Son was the perfect sacrifice and it is our continuous acceptance of that sacrifice and our identification with it and Christ that He wants. Jesus called the twelve disciples specifically, He didn’t stand somewhere and say ‘I need twelve, so whose with Me?’ He approached each of them in their individual circumstances and called them. When Jesus and the disciples were in Gerasenes, Jesus cast demons out of a tormented man and put them into swine who threw themselves from a cliff (Mark 5). This man ran towards Jesus, threw himself at His feet and cried "what do you want of me, Jesus, Son of the most high God?" after being delivered of his torment the man was very thankful and he begged Jesus to go with Him (Mark 5:18). Jesus didn’t say come and follow me, He "did not let him, but said ‘Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.’" (Mark 5:19). He wasn’t demanding that man leave his life and family, but to be with them and be a light unto them. What was important was the man’s broken heart and spirit and his willingness to do anything that Jesus said. Peter declared, "we have left everything to follow you" (Mark 10:28) and "I will never disown you" (Mark 26:35). Indeed, Peter had left everything to follow Jesus but he took pride in his devotion and denied Jesus and fell asleep in the garden. He also sliced off the guard’s ear, what does this tell you? He saw what he had given up and he had an elitist attitude as a result. So did John when he said he saw someone casting out demons in Jesus’ name and they tried to stop him, but Jesus said "do not stop him...for whoever is not against you is for you" (Luke 9:50).

To take up your cross and to love not your life is a little different for everyone. It is the surrender of your heart, your dreams, your desires - your will. When you have done that, you have accepted the sacrifice of Christ, the power of sin has been broken and you are now a slave to righteousness (Romans 6:17-18). Surrender is done daily, it is continually surrendering in faith your heart and being obedient to God out of love and devotion. From that, we cut the things which don’t bring fruit out of our lives. The more we align ourselves with Christ the less we will want those things. We are commanded to do all to the glory of God, that doesn’t mean everything we do has to be hard. When we sacrifice that which isn’t asked to be sacrifice we are taking control from God, essentially saying "you didn’t ask for this but I’m giving it up to make myself grow."

Is there a time for fasting? Of course. Those temporary times are times when we seek God for Him and Him alone. When we return to the point of it all, which is that Jesus is everything. It’s a time when we reevaluate how we might have gone astray, what isn’t bringing fruit to our lives anymore, and what we’ve outgrown. These are times like the man in Gerasenes when we run to Jesus and fall at His feet and He might ask you to go somewhere, or having gotten right with Him, He might say ‘go back to where you were.’ Whether you’re asked to go somewhere or go back isn’t the point, it’s that you’re being obedient to God. Maybe during this time we’ve spent less time with people or doing certain things, at the end of this we can go back to the things which Christ allows us to have but with a different attitude. Paul writes about our individual walk in Romans 14, "one man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God." Paul goes on to explain that this is the reason why Christ died, for this reason Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living." You cannot judge others based on the sacrifices of your walk with Christ, for "everyone will give an account for himself" before God. However, if you’re doing something that is a "stumbling block" to someone else’s walk you should put away around him/her out of love for that person so that you are not a hindrance to them, "Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way" (14:13). Paul writes that "nothing in and of itself is unclean except to him that esteems it to an unclean level" (14:14). If someone else considers something unclean, out of respect and love for them refrain from it in their presence. For those that consider something unclean consider that someone who you know that does it might not have esteemed it to an unclean level as you have in your walk. This section of the letter however comes after Paul writes about being a living sacrifice and being responsible towards higher powers. The things Paul talks about in Romans 14 are, I believe, what you do for fun or recreation, which are important. If you don’t take time to rest, to enjoy things that God has blessed you with (doing them to His glory) you will burn out, you’ll fail. These things cannot take precedence over or negatively affect things like your devotional time with God, your service to the body, your relationships with family and friends, and your responsibilities towards people in authority.

True surrender is an act of complete obedience, in that obedience there are sacrifices but sacrifice isn’t always obedience, let God lead and follow obediently laying aside things which He asks you to. Do no more and no less because in either case it’s you trying to be in control of the rate of your growth.

So, I don't know how this fast is going for others but it's been a real blessing for me. God has been clarifying a lot of things for me, including more incite to my calling and I'm stoked. I know part of what I feel I'm called to do and that is defend the faith with my writing. I'm tired of hearing over and over again that someone read one line from the bible in a book or heard it from a friend who saw it somewhere and then form a whole opinion based on that. I can say "the newspaper is only about sports and nothing else," then pick up the sports section and say "ah ha!" That's not me wanting to see the newspaper for what it is, it's me wanting to just feel right. The newspaper is supposed to be there to deliver raw, honest news. Some things people want to hear and some things people don't but it doesn't change the reality that these things happen. The bible is God's most raw, authoritative, and honest way of communicating with people. It tells us many encouraging things and it tells things that we don't want to hear because He is perfect love and love is honest. The bible isn't there to support to support what I think, it's there to change the way I think. Obviously, I would use scripture to back up a point that I'm making but what I'm saying has to align itself with scriptural truth first and foremost. It's not just knowing sripture either, Satan tried to misuse scripture to tempt Jesus (Luke 4:10-11). It is possible to know the teachings of Jesus, but not really know Him. If you really know Him your relationship with Him is intimate.

I am going to the Union tonight to evangelize, I don't like first contact evangelizm, I am more of a one on one person. My calling doesn't seem to be geared towards that but then again I really don't know, do I? I know what led me to God but to assume that is the same path for everyone isn't right. I felt God pressing in on me to be there, to put off my ideas of how the gospel should be spread and trust that He can use anything. Do I agree with everything about first contact evangelism? No, but it's not about me and there are shortcomings in every calling, that is why we're a body with different functions. When I taught karate, I had to know all the techniques. I was really good at some and others I hated, I thought they were useless. I still had to know them well enought to teach them to a beginner so I didn't limit them. I hated back kicks but then I'd see someone who was devastating with them and I'd think "one of these beginners might be geared towards that." It's our responsibility to try everything to go beyond what we think God wants to use and really just get out there and do it. I don't have to be the best evangelist, I just have to try and have faith that God will use it whether I see the results or not. If you believe that "the word of God is living, and powerful, and sharperthan any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit" then you must believe that when the gospel is shared in any situation with a spirit of charity it will not be for nothing (Hebrews 4:12). What I say to someone might not have any impact for years but even them giving it a passing thought when times get tough is something, better than nothing. I don't even know myself what affect the gospel has on me sometimes so I won't presume to know the affect it will have one someone else.

I like Djere's quote the other day, "Jesus didn't say, 'c'mon and follow Me, it'll be a hoot!"

I'm reading a book called, The Case for Christ, by Lee Strobel. Strobel was an athiest journalist who set out to investigate the gospels and their historical accuracy and any other corroborative evidence supporting or disproving their validity. It includes his interview with leading biblical scholars and archeologists and it's awesome so far. And yes, he ends up becoming a Christian. I highly recommend it.

So, holy crap. God lays a message on my heart before the meeting tonight (conveniently located at 213 Hewett Union at 7pm every Tuesday) about faith. Jesus stated three times Matthew 9 that miraculous things were based on people's faith in Him. He didn't just up and do things, He demanded faith and He is demanding it now. So I bring the message to Djere, God puts another verse on Djere's heart and we share the message with everyone before worship. Worship starts and God's presence is strong. Why? Because people were believing. I thought to myself, "what would I do right now if I was completely convinced that Jesus was here?" My attention went to Cheryl who said a few hours prior that she had strep throat and couldn't really talk, much less sing. I was moved to pray for healing for her and stupid doubts came up that insisted that I didn't know her well enough and all that guff. I told the enemy to shut his pie hole and walked over to her and asked if she minded if I prayed for her. I did and a few minutes later I look up and she is singing. She said to me after the meeting that her throat got better enough to sing and worship after we had prayed. Take that as you will.

I was praying that God would draw people who had never been to BASIC as I'm sure others were. I envisioned it, I open my eyes and there were three people that came in and sat in the back. Brand. Spankin.' New. Take that as you will.

I'm excited to see what happens when we all really start raising our faith because I'm feeling that that was cake. God wants to do really awesome things and He is going to do it. Whether we're the ones who raise the faith or others it's going to be done. I say we hop on the bus headed for revival. This is just the beginning, praise God.

I wrote a short story that I thought about posting, it's an ode to Valentine's day. I'm still considering whether or not I want to put it in here...

umm that's it for now...

I love this song

Jars Of Clay»
Jealous KindI built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I set my course to run right into danger Sought the company of fools instead of friends You know I've been unfaithful Lovers in lines While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind I chose the gallows to the aisle Thought that love would never find Hanging ropes will never keep you And your love of a jealous kind Love of a jealous kind Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading For solace in the shift of the sinking sand I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand 'Cause I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride

I'm finding that when you really want to hear from God, He speaks. When I really seek God for nothing other than His face He reveals Himself. Suddenly, He doesn't stop talking and I love it but it's exhausting. Good thing all I have to do is rely on Him and He'll caryy me through it all. I've been having so many vivid dreams and more of a sensitivity to His guidance and it's just...great. God does bless people but when you really seek Him (not just for His blessings) just for Him He blesses you with just that. The more I make my walk about Him the more blessed it gets...and harder. I really believe this is definitely a matter of chosing your own level surrender. How much of my willingness will I give to Him? We have callings and dreams but are we willing to be a doormatt for His glory? Sometimes I think there is a tendency to have a dream that seems Godly but really has our best interests ar heart. Are we willing to be the ones tread and stomped for the benefit of others? The ones who get little, if any, praise from men? It's in God's will for some people to live to a ripe old age with a nice house and tons of kids and grandkids and they might be very surrendered, decdicated servants. There are also those who deliver powerful messages, lay their lives down and aren't remembered. I'm not saying God thinks, "I like people who suffer like this." God doesn't want people proving their love by putting themselves through hell. He wants people who are so surrendered, so committed to Him that Christ can be seen in them wherever that leads them. There is no lack of devotion on His part, there is only an unwillingness on our part to let Him have the inner most desires of our hearts. The goal of this isn't my devotion to Him but to show the world how dedicated and faithful Christ is.

Firstly, let me say that Sunday's service at New Covenant was phenominal. God's presence was overwhelming and there was much victory in people's lives. People laughed and cried during worship and it was just beyond words.


Secondly, I heard of this fast until March 8th and at first I thought maybe I'd go Samali with the boys but I felt led in a different direction. So, I'm going Amish. Well, not completely, but where it really counts. I'm fasting from TV until March 8th (two days after my b day). No, this doesn't mean I can't be in a room with a TV, it means I don't give it my attention and if that means leaving the room than so be it. No video games, movies (TV or cinema), or Simpsons. Paul, if you're reading this, I apologize that the New York Samurai will have to do without me for the next month. I figure this will free up my time to do some writing and more in depth study and, well, on the whole TV doesn't bring all that much fruit to my life anyways. I have a distinct feeling that at the end of this I won't feel much of a need for it (with the exception of NFL Fever 2004, the Samurai are too close to my heart).


Thirdly, I need a haircut...maybe a shave, too.

I’m mad as heck, and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

Yesterday’s service at New Covenant and other subsequent messages that I’ve gotten are starting to really culminate in my life. I realized that instead of standing in defiance to the enemy and being on my face before God I do the reverse. Getting impatient with God’s progress in me is me wanting to take control, charging head long into battle and falling butt over tea kettle in the face of adversity. I’m going to use the second person pronoun here, but realize that I’m talking to myself, or, allowing God to speak to me. If this speaks to you, awesome. If not, awesome.

Listen, the problems you face aren’t from God. God isn’t a divine bully, He isn’t a cruel master, He is my rock, He is a "strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe" (Proverbs 18:10). God allows things to exist for your growth, He wants you to rely on Him. Growth is painful, there is no getting around it. This world sucks so forth and so on but God didn’t make it bad, we did. In the beginning God made everything and "it was good" (Genesis 1, seen a bunch of times). Paul illustrated the difference between being troubled and being defeated: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor 4). It’s ok to be angry, confused, and sad but with these emotions comes the temptation to distrust God. Jesus didn’t say ‘my office hours are between 9 and 5,’ He said "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He also said that NOTHING in all creation is able to separate us from His love in Christ (Romans 8). If you’ve accepted Christ and surrendered your life to Him, than it’s His and you have to trust that He knows your growth and He knows what you can handle. You’re no longer against God so stop resisting Him. He wants to make you perfect and nothing in all of creation will stop Him except your decision to not let Him. "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as He is pure" (1 John 3:2-3). When you stop trusting in God you walk away from Him. It starts in your mind, perverts your heart, then dictates your actions. When you’re walking closely with God and you sin you know right away. When you’re not walking with Him you’re walking into darkness and you won’t know what makes you stumble (proverbs, somewhere). When you believe He has left you, you’re really turning your back on Him, so stop blaming Him, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. Blame gets you nowhere. If peace isn’t ruling your heart then get aggressive. As I struggled in my mind yesterday and I got angrier and suddenly I felt as though God stopped me and asked "Bry, why are you taking this from him (the enemy)?"

I come from a background that is a bit legalistic and lacking in grace. So I tend to get critical with myself. I gave up a lot when I got saved and it was necessary for a period but after a while I felt God say "I told you to sin no more, I didn’t say to stop being alive." There are two types of fear, the fear of the Lord and the fear that has no place in a heart surrendered to Christ. Proverbs says a number of times that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fear of the Lord is awe, it should result in deeper love, devotion, and worship of God. God lets us know what happens if we deny Him and it isn’t pretty but He has to make it clear. I know it’s a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God, trust me. You realize your sinfulness, your wretchedness. However, when you surrender to Jesus that isn’t who you are anymore. Ahem, again, that isn’t who you are anymore. He changes your heart and your desires. If your fear of God leads to resentment that isn’t Godly fear. If you serve God out of fear of punishment you’re not trusting in the fact that your sins are forgiven. This is the difference between a martyr and a self-proclaimed martyr. Someone with enough devotion to lay his/her life down for God trusts Him so implicitly that they "take no thought" for their lives. They don’t worry that God will make them do this or that because they trust that nothing in the past, present, or the future will separate them from the love of God (Romans 8).

The thing that trips most people up is that God is completely devoted to them, not because He needs to be, He needs no one, but because He wants to be. Blows my mind. We have a hard time trusting in the fact that He simply loves you that much because of our tainted experiences with love and devotion in the world. He created me and then He came and died for me, in some part of me that makes perfect sense and in another part of me it doesn’t. The new man and the old man.

The difference between dead religions and real Christianity is this: it isn’t just a set of rules it’s the deepest relationship you can ever have. From that relationship, the rules get written on your heart. The more you love God the more you will want to obey Him.

You have God living inside you, the God of all creation is with you. There is a difference between being unsure or having a bad day/week/month/year but still having the peace of Christ ruling in your heart and being tormented. You don’t have to take it, so don’t. You have weapons to fight with, your feelings might not change in that moment but that is where faith comes in. Don’t let the enemy knock you down, he’s already been defeated, so lay the sucker out. God gives you what you need to get out of whatever situation you’re in and the only way you won’t get out of your hole is if you believe that He can’t get you out of it. If your trust isn’t in God, you’ll have a hard time loving Him, yourself and others. Loving everyone and God is interconnected no matter which way you look at it. You can’t profess to love God and treat others badly and you can’t really love others the way Christ did unless you really love Him.

my sister's awesome. God's doing great stuff in her life. and she's awesome. if you read this, Melissa, this is for you. thank you for being my sister.

quotes from Ryan while firing his lazer gun

"I'm sorry, dude, I just blew out your windshield."
"I'd sign your clip board, if you weren't dead."
"That's the red-hot heat of freedom."

my favorite quotes from Paul (he doesn't have a gun because he's a wuss among wusses)

"Ahhhh son of a...!"
"Wha'd you do?!"
"Ah poop..."

my favorite quote from me

"I'm gonna make the champaign bottle pop, then do a belly flop, and I'll raise all the crops."

I’ve heard people say that the grace of God saved them from this or that. I’m realizing nowadays that the grace of God has been saving me for my entire life. I grew up, by the grace of God, in a house with a stable marriage. I always seemed to meet people when they were being reformed. I was the only child of five to never see my father have a drink, I only knew him as an overbearing Christian instead of a raging drunk. By God’s grace he was saved and he decided that he really wanted to try and witness to me as a boy. By God’s grace I read the bible while my mind was still really forming and it shaped a large part of my thinking. I got to know my brother after he straightened his life out - after the drugs, the drinking, and the promiscuity. He learned true self discipline, by the grace of God, and he was a model for me. I got to know people after they made mistakes and they took time to forewarn me, to share (some without knowing it) the grace by which they were saved from self destruction. When I really got serious and gave my life to Jesus is when I was given the eyes to see this. The months leading up to that pivotal moment I wanted a sign. No sign that I wanted was given. And why should there have been? I had signs my whole life, the people were the road signs leading me to God. God didn’t owe me what I considered a sign. He gave me a lot and then He said, "If you want Me, I must have you."
Let me tell you, I was always told that I was motivated, smart, and just a "well put together" person. I had gifts and I wasted them for a while. I had no direction. Gifts don’t give direction and without purpose all those gifts are worthless. Telling yourself that you’ve got it all together just doesn’t cut it some days, does it? I didn’t then and I don’t now but I know God does. Often we hear the testimonies of the people on their death beds or out on the street with no one and nothing who suddenly meet with God in a powerful way. Amen to them. They’re blessed because they knew they had nothing. I wonder about the "well put together" people who have good backgrounds, good personalities, and brains. I must say, I read "to whom much is given, is much expected" (C.S. Lewis) and that hit me square in the face. The "good" people are the ones who have so much potential, born to be leaders but unfortunately the gifts became a distraction from the purpose until life became the cultivation of those gifts. The "gifted people" seem so close but they couldn’t be further. I brushed off God so many times because, well, I knew better, because I had it all together. I don’t need to display my weakness like those people, I’d think. That was me. By the grace of God everything started to feel empty, I felt as though I was losing myself when I started seeking God. He was showing me a life with gifts and other stuff but not Him. The more empty I felt the more I began to rely on praying and learning more about Him until I finally hit bottom. I was empty and all I could do was look up and see Jesus. The bible tells us we’re evil and anyone who has screwed up their lives with drugs or whatever will look at that with a better chance of admitting that the greater part of their lives has been self serving and empty. They’re more apt to listen, they’re more appreciative of God’s saving grace.

I pray that God will help me appreciate and love Him more because that is my purpose. My identity is in Christ and my personality is another color God wants to show the world of Himself. The more I love Him, the more I am sanctified, the better I can serve Him. My goal is what He set for me, to be perfect. By His love it will be possible, how close I come to it in this life is up to me.