So, I’m back to share what I’ve gained with my intense introspection, er, I mean, my conversations with God (phew, the joke was almost up!). So much of this is about choice and God is just flat out lovely, worthy and, well, Godly. I’ve had a lot of time alone with God lately and He has really been talking to me about the motives of my heart. "Choose your motives, Bryan," is what He’s said. I’ve been trying to find the right motives to do things - things I enjoy and things I don’t. Finally, I realize the problem; the wrong motives for serving God lead to wrong motives for just about everything else. The bible says to be poor but to be rich in God (Revelations 3:17). I realized that I own nothing, I don’t love my life and it’s one of the greatest revelations I have ever come to. God gives us things like people, talents, maybe even material stuff but it’s not ours it is God’s. I can have many things but none of them are mine, not even my life. I can’t tell you how much joy wells up in me when I write that and say it aloud.

I woke up in the middle of the night and God spoke as I was stumbling into the bathroom "do not approach my throne just out of guilt." Godly sorrow is different than mere guilt, one you can gain from and one you don’t. I realized that sometimes I serve God out of guilt and fear, the same motives that I would sometimes use to motivate myself for other things. When I wasn’t a serious Christian I’d force myself to upkeep hobbies out of the fear that I would lose my worth and if I didn’t do them I would feel guilty. I realized that I have carried that into the kingdom with me. God wants me to serve Him out of love, to know His love for me and others. One thing I always remember is that it always goes back to the Garden. Either you want to be God or you want to obey Him. When I serve God to appease fear or guilt I am really serving myself, I want to stand in approval of myself and say "now, I have earned it." It’s pride, albeit a little warped, but pride nonetheless. I’m not waiting for the perfect motives to come along and then serve God, it’s always going to be a conflict. I love God more now than I did before and as a result I serve Him more. Early on in life, we have people who evaluate our performance and we internalize their measures and judge ourselves and others by them. Repentance for the internalization of these things, for using them against God, others and yourself is the only way to be free of them. Accepting Jesus’ forgiveness, forgiving the ones who have wronged you, forgiving yourself allows you to choose your motives. I have begun lately to really take advantage of the power of choice. I choose to believe that I have all the encouragement and fulfillment I will ever need in Christ whether I feel differently at the moment or not. I choose to serve God because I love Him.

I can choose the right motives, I can say that I love God and am going to serve Him because that is the kind of heart He has instilled in me when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. To say "I’m a bad servant" is to listen to the enemy, either I’m a servant or I’m not. Evaluating progress is a dangerous thing with fleshly measures, it irrevocably leads to disappointment and false guilt which lead me away from God. I can say that I will love God with all my heart, mind and soul, that I will persevere, that I will serve Him because (and only because) that is the work He is doing in me and to say otherwise is to imply that His work is null and void. Once you’re in, you’re in now you just have to keep your eyes fixed on Him, to trust that He is working in you. Trying to do it your own way, on your own steam is, in my mind, what causes people to fall. I am worthy not because I am worthy but because I have been made worthy by the cross and that is why I can stand up and say to the enemy "I’m not who you say I am." On top of that, when I am plagued by the enemy it sometimes can mean that I’ve allowed a stronghold in my life which I can take before God and receive freedom. So, in a sense, I can use the enemy’s attacks to my advantage.

It all works for good because I love God. He chose me before I ever knew He existed, He chose me so that I would have the option of choosing Him. What a lovely God that I love and serve. Blessed is my Father who guides me, my Savior Jesus who has redeemed me and blessed is the Holy Spirit who gives me the Godly passion for His namesake.

a love song between God and I...

Forever Lyrics
by Ben Harper

Not talkin' 'bout a year
no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you
People spend so much time
every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you
Like a handless clock with numbers
an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you