so, I don't have a premeditated message, I am just going to write about random thoughts and feelings. this might sound harsh, but just follow me. I don't care for looking ahead at the future, it's really been a big waste of time. the future is now, it's being determined by what God is asking me to do today. I hear too much stuff like "oh, I'm not called to do that," out of my own mouth and others. I am called to love and serve God, I don't care whether it's as an evangelist, preacher, teacher, prophet, missionary, fedex ground package handler, fireman, shoe salesman...you get the friggin' point. it's called a walk in faith, that doesn't mean I sit here and wait for God to shine light on my next step. it means I walk, I do things I do and don't have a preference for and trust that God will open some doors and shut others. God will speak when He knows I'm ready. I don't care about success as the world measures it, or even as some churches measure it. I don't care about the number of saved souls, I'd rather see one person saved and discipled to a life completely surrendered to Christ than one hundred people who get saved and do nothing. my sensei used to say "I'd rather one good pushup than ten crappy ones." I'm tired of insisting on what I'm called to do, that is complete arrogance. I've found discernment is keeping things simple, clinging to the simple promises of God regardless of circumstances. the complication comes with feelings, people, events and places that attempt to steal peace and joy from my life. I've tried too many times to see what God is doing in a situation before it's over and that's just stupid. I don't have to know unless He wants me to know, I know when I hear God because He is God not because of I have thought about things long enough. I'm at peace but I'm fed up with all of this and so until God speaks to me about the future, about a direction, I am going to "take up my bed and walk" not lay on it. the question on whether I can do something for God isn't "what am I good at?" it's "do I have the Holy Spirit?" What I'm good or bad at has its place but I don't care to think about it anymore.

so much for not having a message...

Well, I figured I’d write because I haven’t in a while. I’ve been an odd place lately, a little rough but it’s probably one of the best stages of my spiritual growth. God has been silent and yet He hasn’t been. I have no clear direction right now, but He keeps reassuring me that He loves me. I realize that no matter how holy an idea seems, no matter how much thought I put into my future, it doesn’t mean a thing. I have learned that from this whole cop job disappointment. We can swear up and down sometimes that God is leading us somewhere but sometimes you have to see the doors get slammed in your face to realize He’s God. I’ve learned to start claiming the fruits of the Spirit to live in the every day because that is where everything begins - right now. I look at where I am right now and I ask myself "How can I get to know God more today? How can I serve Him? How can I serve others?" This time is a blessing, it has forced me to look away from circumstances and go into deeper communion with God. I won’t lie, I’ve had some moments in the past few days in which I was very close to saying "the heck with all of this." In drawing closer to God, I have come face to face with the selfish motives of my human heart. Without God, we really are selfish and wretched, I thank Jesus that I can bring this sin to the light and be renewed. God has shown me just how much I try and take control and I have a new appreciation for repentance. I realized just how much I was dwelling on what God was doing in my life (or, what I thought He was doing) and I was praying for others less, I was becoming overwhelmed. I tried to take the burden only to realize that I know nothing except that God is good and I need to listen more. I’ve had a few key people who God has used to minister to me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (you know who you are).

I’m not "happy" right now, but I am at peace and I definitely have had to claim that peace daily because God offers it to me as His child, His beloved. We so quickly fall into the deception that our life is ours. No one did anything to receive life and they can’t control when they lose it. Pride and possession are closely interwoven, the minute I assume possession over something my pride rears its ugly head. Thankfully, I have been stripped of many things lately and God will put things back together as He sees fit and I’m not going to think about it. I’m taking a hands off approach and work on looking away from myself to God and to others.

So, I have come to realize that incite gone astray is over-analyzation. Zeal and passion without temperance can lead to mere emotional highs, or even hysteria. Mercy without a backbone turns into mere pity. Conviction without mercy leads to condemnation. Love without action is infatuation, actions without love are meaningless.

I surrendered my passion for the things of this world to God. Turns out, He wants more. He wants a clean slate, He doesn’t just want my motives for doing things of this world. He wants to instill new ones, He wants my love for Him to be so set apart from, yet evident in, everything I do. I don’t know how that is going to be done, what I do know is that I am choosing to say, "yes, Lord, I love you."