Well, I figured I’d write because I haven’t in a while. I’ve been an odd place lately, a little rough but it’s probably one of the best stages of my spiritual growth. God has been silent and yet He hasn’t been. I have no clear direction right now, but He keeps reassuring me that He loves me. I realize that no matter how holy an idea seems, no matter how much thought I put into my future, it doesn’t mean a thing. I have learned that from this whole cop job disappointment. We can swear up and down sometimes that God is leading us somewhere but sometimes you have to see the doors get slammed in your face to realize He’s God. I’ve learned to start claiming the fruits of the Spirit to live in the every day because that is where everything begins - right now. I look at where I am right now and I ask myself "How can I get to know God more today? How can I serve Him? How can I serve others?" This time is a blessing, it has forced me to look away from circumstances and go into deeper communion with God. I won’t lie, I’ve had some moments in the past few days in which I was very close to saying "the heck with all of this." In drawing closer to God, I have come face to face with the selfish motives of my human heart. Without God, we really are selfish and wretched, I thank Jesus that I can bring this sin to the light and be renewed. God has shown me just how much I try and take control and I have a new appreciation for repentance. I realized just how much I was dwelling on what God was doing in my life (or, what I thought He was doing) and I was praying for others less, I was becoming overwhelmed. I tried to take the burden only to realize that I know nothing except that God is good and I need to listen more. I’ve had a few key people who God has used to minister to me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (you know who you are).

I’m not "happy" right now, but I am at peace and I definitely have had to claim that peace daily because God offers it to me as His child, His beloved. We so quickly fall into the deception that our life is ours. No one did anything to receive life and they can’t control when they lose it. Pride and possession are closely interwoven, the minute I assume possession over something my pride rears its ugly head. Thankfully, I have been stripped of many things lately and God will put things back together as He sees fit and I’m not going to think about it. I’m taking a hands off approach and work on looking away from myself to God and to others.