Courage

Definition: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

I remember when I was an adolescent struggling to find my identity. I never want to relive those years. People would say, “These are the best years of your life, Bryan!” I’m now 32 years old and I can honestly say those were NOT the best years of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and had some good times but I was terribly insecure. I was afraid and I wanted to show everyone that I was brave. I admired the kids who got into fights all the time because they seemed so unafraid. I admired people who seemed proficient in violence and I thought “if I could be like that, then I won’t be afraid.” I embraced forms of self-discipline as a means of empowerment and eventually became very involved in martial arts. I joined a club in college and would spar with people, get bruised and banged up, do push-ups on my knuckles and spend hours in the gym trying to get stronger. One time a friend of mine in college who I worked out with said “if Bryan had one left day to live on earth, he would spend at least half of that day getting better at Karate.” I took pride in that back in those days. I wanted to be the most disciplined person that all my friends knew. Now, I derive confidence and courage in a much different way.

This isn’t an ethical slam on martial arts or exercise – the problem was how I approached these things. I enjoy martial arts and exercise to a healthier degree nowadays. You see, I didn’t have any more courage inside despite being more disciplined and impressive to some people. People can do reckless things and jeopardize themselves and, according the definition that I pasted above, still somewhat fulfill the definition of courage. People put themselves at risk and face dangers all the time for the sake of their convictions - but does that mean they are brave? No, some would argue. People who put themselves at risk for the sake of an ignoble purpose are actually very much afraid and are driven by fear.  So, taking risks isn’t necessarily courageous in and of itself.

I thought about courage this week in regard to Jesus’s disciple, Peter. People who are remotely familiar with the Gospels know Peter for denying Jesus when asked if he was one of His followers. What’s interesting is that just hours before Peter emphatically denied the Lord to a servant girl, he was prepared to fight for him against Roman guards. I mean, Peter drew a sword and actually cut off a guard’s ear. That takes some guts, doesn’t it? I shudder when I am stopped for a speeding ticket and here is Peter standing up to Roman guards. Shortly before being arrested Jesus predicted that Peter would deny him three times and Peter couldn’t believe it. I think Peter honestly believed that he wouldn’t fail Jesus at the moment of testing. Peter was willing to fight against his enemies but was he ready to truly lay down his life? He was willing to do something reckless but was he brave?

Jesus told his disciples that in order to follow Him they would need to deny themselves, pick up their cross daily and follow Him. One of the many striking things to me about His statement is that He told them to do this before He went to the cross Himself for the sin of mankind. What a strange statement this must have been to the disciples. It’s evident that Peter didn’t understand this when those Roman guards came to take Jesus. Peter watched as Jesus embraced humiliation and suffering, crying out for forgiveness on behalf of those putting Him to death. Jesus also cried out that He was forsaken and there was a moment that the Bible says He actually “tasted death.” That is what the Bible calls a mystery. I will forever be confounded by the love that God expressed in the act of giving Himself up for me, but I comprehend this love personally because I recognize my own need for that love.

Getting back to Peter, Jesus later found Peter fishing after His resurrection from the dead and predicted a death that Peter would die. There would be a day that Peter would die for Jesus. There would be a day that Peter would love Jesus more than his own life. What Peter needed was to be broken of his own notions of devotion and bravery. Peter needed to learn by example what greatness in God’s sight really was. Jesus didn’t rebuke His disciples for wanting to be great; He simply told them and showed them what is truly great. Being great in God’s sight means putting God’s will above ours and putting others before ourselves. It means following what Jesus said even when it means people won’t understand it and even hate it – you may even get killed for it. I don’t know anything that takes as much courage as that.

I remember when I recognized that despite all that I did that was praiseworthy to other people, that I did not know the love of God. I was ashamed of an addiction to pornography and no amount of self-discipline could rid me of it. I was scared of facing what I saw inside myself. I remember when I heard someone talk about being in the kingdom of God through Christ and there was a part of me that was angry and offended but a part of me knew I was angry because it was true and it meant facing things that I didn’t want to face. I also remember feeling a sense that God was helping to see those things so that I could understand what He revealed in that one mysterious act on the cross. He revealed His love for me. If I could take what I experienced and give it to everyone I know, I would. No one loved me when I was both helpless AND their enemy. My addiction to pornography was broken that night. I’m not perfect and I am still tempted to lust just like anyone else but I had a strength that I didn’t have before and, by the grace of God, I never got entangled in that addiction again. I found courage and victory over the enemies that I could not defeat on my own through utter dependence on God.

Jesus isn’t just one religious teach among many to me (I don’t believe He left us with that option). I actually believe what the Bible says about Him: that He is the absolute source of all creation and the very expression of who God is and He became perfectly human to show us God and so that we might see what the highest revelation of man is. I believe that in order to be what God has truly destined me to be is to find myself in Him. To find courage as God defines it is to find it in Christ. It’s liberating to me that I don’t have to have what God desires from me in and of myself – I can go to Him time and time again and find what I need. I can shed what God never intended me to be and embrace who He made be to be. This is what it means to me to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Him. There is nothing that will cost more but it will be infinitely more rewarding and fulfilling and it takes the courage that only God can provide.